Archive for the ‘It Could Be Worse…’ Category

A Very Depressing Story

November 19, 2012

I’m writing a piece about the work of John Gregory Dunne (aka Mrs. Didion) and while reading a book of his, came across this very sad story he wrote about a C-list Vegas comedian:

“There had been a parting of the ways between Jackie and his friends and representatives; the giant height had never been reached, the necks were no longer stuck out.  The night before, Jackie had gone to Bill Cosby’s opening in the big room at the International.  Cosby had seen Jackie in the lobby and told him to come to the opening, he would introduce him from the stage, Ladies and gentlemen, a true star, my very good personal friend, Jackie Kasey.  Jackie had not wanted to go to Cosby’s opening, his cold was not good, but Cosby was a superstar, Leslie Uggams warmed up for him and Leslie Uggams was a headliner at the Riviera in her own right, and the true superstars brought out all the big agents and Strip bookers to their opening nights, so it was best to attend, especially if Bill Cosby had promised to introduce his very close personal friend from the stage.  It was the kind of introduction that might help a semi-name become a name and that was something to consider.  Jackie dressed carefully for Cosby’s opening dinner show, a brown double-knit suit with flared pants and matching tie, shirt and handkerchief.  The effect was a little like an optical illusion, but at least when Cosby introduced him from the stage nobody in the audience could say he had missed him, he’s the little guy in the optical-illusion brown in the banquette down front and center.  Everything was set, the management comped the check, Jackie toyed with his roast prime rib of beef au jus garni, Cosby came out, did fifty minutes on Fat Albert and Weird Harold and forgot to introduce his close personal friend, Jackie Kasey.  Jackie just sat on the banquette watching the cherries jubilee melt, occasionally stirring them around in the dish with his spoon, like a child playing with toy boats in a bathtub.”

~John Gregory Dunne, Vegas

How To Make Friends and Alienate Artists

November 9, 2012

IS: Guess who I’m hanging with Saturday?  Hint: mother of an infamous baby, and infamous baby daddy (now dead)

ID: Michelle Williams?

IS: Close, and good guess.

ID: No idea.

IS: Agathe Snow!

ID: Who’s the infamous baby?

IS: Mother of Secret Snow, child of Dash Snow

RIP

ID: Nope, not Secret’s mom –– her name is Jade Berreau

IS: Really?!

Oh I’m so wrong

Dash and Agathe are former hubbies

ID: Yup

IS: Good thing I texted you this, otherwise I would’ve been like, “Where’s secret?”
Well I’m glad that all mythology has been emptied out of the situation then.

ID: Holy fuck that would have been SUPER awkward!!!

IS: AWKWARD TURTLE

Secret, with real mom

Postscript: Do you think Jade Berreau would let me babysit?

FOILED Part a Million

November 2, 2012

I pitched recently a story to an editor of mine about the Haredi Jewish desire to eradicate technology, specifically the Internet and smart phones. Here is my pitch, briefly:

You’ll know, of course, about the battle the Hasidic world is waging against the Internet.  In late May, more than 50,000 Hasids attended the first Anti-Internet asifa at Citi-Field, and similar smaller events were held in London, Zurich, Vienna, and Antwerp in the first week or so of September.  (This, of course, is in addition to the myriad smaller ways various rebbes/rabbis urge followers to abstain from Internet use or, at the least, use filtering software.)  Most of the analysis up until now has been “Of course, religion hates free speech!”  But I’d like to use the 100-page-plus booklet handed out at the first asifa –– which I’ve read twice –– and other sources regarding the secular culture’s attitude toward the Internet to compose a piece directed at the issue from another angle, namely, “Why We Should Approach the Internet Like Hasids.”

And my editor’s response:

I think, honestly, this doesn’t quite work for us either. Thing is, we’re very conscious of engaging with discussions that are taking place at any given time, so this is an idea that may have worked well in the days leading up to, or just after the large Hasidic gathering. But for now it doesn’t seem pegged to anything on people’s minds.

And yet AND YET… today, in Tablet, an article by Liel Leibovitz who I love perhaps to an extent that is sort of creepy, entitled “iPhones Are Bad for You: What the ultra-Orthodox campaign against smart phones as a ‘spiritual Holocaust’ gets right about technology.”  (Full article here.)

Excerpt:

“The rabbis, then, have it right. Their reasons for banning smart phones may be different—they are primarily concerned that device owners will use them to access corrupting content like pornography—but their hearts are in the right place. We may not want to follow their advice and banish our iPhones altogether, but we should heed their warning and realize that our new shiny forms of connectedness come at a steep spiritual cost.”

He basically took my thesis!  Instead of being annoyed that he did this, though, I’ve decided that I’ll be happy that Liel and I are on the same wavelength.  (If he were here right now, I’d point my fingers at my eyes, and then silently at his, as if to say, “I’m watching you, LL.”)

PS I’m confused because I’ve always pictured him as a little old man, and yet…

Neither old nor particularly little?

This Sounds Like an Enormously Difficult Job*

October 23, 2012

“So Peter of Cataneo became Francis’s vicar, a title previously used by Gregory of Naples and Matthew of Narni.  But unlike that earlier arrangement, the founder remained very present and visible.  Francis now claimed to place himself under Peter’s obedience, and he began to speak of himself as having a new role.  Rather than a leader who would give directions, he would be an exemplary brother, one who would give the brothers a model of humility and obedience…

Resigning and providing replacement leaders did not resolve the crisis that had developed during Francis’s absence in Egypt.  The founder’s behavior as a ‘subject,’ if anything, made the crisis worse.  Peter of Cataneo was not strong willed, and, in any case, it was difficult to stand up to Francis when he had made up his mind to do something.  According to one report, Francis once found himself in the position of having to tell his ‘superior’ how to order him around.”

Francis of Assisi: A New Biography by Augustine Thompson, O.P.

*Of course, the post’s title refers to Peter of Cataneo’s job, NOT St. Francis’s

A Funny Thing To Do

October 7, 2012

If you happen to be bored, read reviews of books whose authors were publicly shamed or identified as frauds after the review was written.  Par example:

Sarah: A Novel by J. T. Leroy

Scary, sad, and way, way out there, Leroys [sic] picaresque debut novel follows a young boy through southern truckstops, where lot lizards turn tricks for drivers whose tastes run from women to transvestites to boys in jeans. Sarah is actually the name of our heros mother, and in the beginning they both work for Glad [sic], a fairly nice pimp who treats his whores decently and serves them up to a not-too-rough clientele. But when the boy appropriates his mothers name and gender (at least in appearance) to go wandering, he winds up in the clutches of a really bad guy named Le Loup. The gory details of how Sarah is abused by this monster and his cohorts will come as no surprise to those familiar with Leroys journalistic pieces (in Spin, Nerve, New York Press) under the pseudonym Terminator, some of which dealt with his own experiences. Its [sic] disturbing to encounter a 20-year-old who knows this much about lifes [ed note: why isn’t this reviewer familiar with the possessive?] seamy side, but Leroy depicts his damaged, degraded characters with considerable tenderness. Not exactly a laugh riot, but not as unrelievedly sordid as a plot synopsis might suggest.  –– From Kirkus Reviews

The funniest part of this review is of course that the writer wasn’t 20 and knew shit about life’s seamy side!

And about A Million Little Pieces, pre-scandal:

Frey is pretender to the throne of the aggressive, digressive, cocky Kings David: Eggers and Foster Wallace. Pre-pub comparisons to those writers spring not from Frey’s writing but from his attitude: as a recent advance profile put it, the 33-year-old former drug dealer and screenwriter “wants to be the greatest literary writer of his generation.” While the Davids have their faults, their work is unquestionably literary. Frey’s work is more mirrored surface than depth, but this superficiality has its attractions. With a combination of upper-middle-class entitlement, street credibility garnered by astronomical drug intake and PowerPoint-like sentence fragments and clipped dialogue, Frey proffers a book that is deeply flawed, too long, a trial of even the most na‹ve reader’s credulousness-yet its posturings hit a nerve. This is not a new story: boy from a nice, if a little chilly, family gets into trouble early with alcohol and drugs and stays there. Pieces begins as Frey arrives at Hazelden, which claims to be the most successful treatment center in the world, though its success rate is a mere 17%. There are flashbacks to the binges that led to rehab and digressions into the history of other patients: a mobster, a boxer, a former college administrator, and Lilly, his forbidden love interest, a classic fallen princess, former prostitute and crack addict. What sets Pieces apart from other memoirs about 12-stepping is Frey’s resistance to the concept of a higher power. The book is sure to draw criticism from the recovery community, which is, in a sense, Frey’s great gimmick. He is someone whose problems seem to stem from being uncomfortable with authority, and who resists it to the end, surviving despite the odds against him. The prose is repetitive to the point of being exasperating, but the story, with its forays into the consciousness of an addict, is correspondingly difficult to put down. — from Publishers’ Weekly

This review isn’t as funny to read if only because it says the book is bad, and therefore still holds water now, but I like it because it makes fun of Frey for being a total dick, which he is.

And finally, Love and Consequences, written by a mixed-race foster child from the ghetto who turned out to actually be way white private-school educated Margaret Seltzer.

Jones was only five years old when she was taken away from her family after a teacher noticed signs of sexual abuse. After being bounced around from house to house for three years, Jones’ caseworker takes her to South Central Los Angeles and the home of Big Mom, a tough, religious African American woman caring for her four grandchildren. Here, Jones finally finds a home and a family and quickly learns the rules of the neighborhood, which is run by the Bloods. Her two older brothers, Tyrell and Taye, join the gang, and Jones longs to as well, even after both brothers go to jail for different offenses. In spite of terrible losses—Jones calls a friend she saw just the night before and learns that he has been murdered—Jones becomes a provider for her family by running drugs. Eventually, she surprises even herself by doing what she once thought was impossible: getting into college and leaving South Central. Raw and powerful, Jones’ memoir is unforgettable, painting a vivid picture of a world most of us turn away from, one that thrives on loyalty and love amid all the bloodshed. — a Booklist Starred Review

There are many other books you can do this with (An Angel at the Fence, or Forbidden Love, and the list sadly goes on) and it’s a great activity for an afternoon when you’re feeling perhaps like you’ve done something really wrong.  “Well, at least I didn’t write a memoir about walking across Europe looking for my parents during the Third Reich and then being adopted by a pack of wolves even though I grew up in Schenectady!”

It Could Be Worse…

September 29, 2012

“Extenuating circumstances” could have caused you to tear up at an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond.

Nonsense, Indeed

September 15, 2012

I subscribe to a weekly newsletter entitled Nonsense NYC which basically lists events around the city that require you to be on at least one hallucinogen to have fun.  This week, this charming fellow below is looking for some help on a “project” of his:

* I live in a ground floor with many windows, I have coated the windows with a material such that no one can see in unless there is bright light. I want to flash people (in our underwear, not naked) through the window. This will involve a group of us (about 16) wearing underwear (preferably white, nothing sexy) and a flashlight. I’m looking for a mix of people (old, young, black, white, Asian, female, male, other) but definitely no creeps or douchebags or spectators. You should be very easygoing and have a flashlight and white underwear, but i may be able to provide both if you don’t have, and maybe wine, but not looking to get drunks. I’m hoping for September 16, meeting at around 8ish, flashing at around 9ish. I think this Sunday trial would be fun and weed out people just looking to party, but I can’t stress this enough, please no weirdos or creeps, this is my apartment after all. Email me with some minor info about yourself and why you’re interested! Contact —.

Aw shucks, I’m busy that evening.  I have to wash my hair.

Ha!

September 10, 2012

Did Ariel Levy just tell Naomi Wolf she has a first world white girl problem? I believe she did!

“This epiphany was prompted by a ‘medical crisis,’ Wolf explains, after which she ‘had a thought-provoking, revelatory experience that suggested a possible crucial relationship of the vagina to female consciousness itself.’ It came at a time when she felt ’emotionally and sexually happy, intellectually excited, and newly in love,’ and yet she ‘started to realize that something was becoming terribly wrong.’  Her ‘clitoral orgasms were as strong and pleasurable as ever,’ and yet ‘I realized one day, as I gazed out on the treetops outside the bedroom of our little cottage upstate, that the usual postcoital rush of a sense of vitality infusing the world, of delight with myself and with all around me, and of creative energy rushing through everything alive, was no longer following the physical pleasure.’  This may sound like a high class problem to you.  For Wolf, it was ‘like a horror movie.'”

~ From Ariel Levy’s review of Wolf’s Vagina: A New Biography in last week’s New Yorker

And yes, Ariel, to me, it kinda sounds like a high class problem.

IT COULD BE WORSE

September 7, 2012

You could have spent a big chunk of your extra money (which isn’t really extra at all, but we’ll ignore that for now) on TICKETS TO SEE MEATLOAF!

HAPPY FRIDAY LITTLE LOAVIES!  (I wish he had a cult fan base that referred to themselves as demi-loaves or something.)

Sneak Peek?

September 4, 2012

Now DON’T LAUGH (or do, I guess):

In the background, phone rings.

“Jewish Joke Factory,” LuLu says answering it on the first ring.  (She’d become much efficient in the time since the boon.)  “Oh yes, ma’am, hold on one second.”  She cups her hand loosely over the phone but neglects to lower her voice.  “Charlie, it’s a GRACE KENNEDY for you?”

Edgar looks at Charlie, shocked.  Charlie makes a hubba-hubba motion with his eyebrows, then skips jauntily over to his desk to pick up the line.

“How… Charlie, how did you… ?”

“I called in a favor.  Sheldon owed me one.”

Now everyone turned to Sheldon.

“Shel?”

“He, uh, he made me an offer I couldn’t refuse.”

“And that was… ?”

“I can’t tell you that.”

“Well never mind, just tell us what you did for him!”

“I, uh… I might have gone up to Hilarity Incorporated and… uh… done a singing telegram for her.”

“Oh my Gawd…”

“You didn’t.”

The group starts giggling in little spurts and soon enough, everyone is weeping imagining Sheldon doing a song-and-dance routine for Bombshell Kennedy.

“Sheldon, Sheldon!” Goldie says between sobs.  “Did you wear a costume!?”

“I, eh, I may have worn a suit like a teddy bear, no big deal.”

Their laughter begins anew at this extra detail.

“Vat, vat?!  I’m helping out a friend!  Oh, for heaven’s… you wanna see the dance?  You wanna see it?!  Well, HERE you go!  You think it’s so funny…”

And Sheldon began doing a little jig in a circle in the middle of the office, his face bunched up into a tight knot of irritation, as he sang the Nat King Cole song, “I Love You (For Sentimental Reasons.)”

“I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you…”