Archive for the ‘It Could Be Worse…’ Category

Okay, Let’s Try This One More Time

August 30, 2012

You guys,

I thought we already had this discussion.  Of course, I’m referring to this, from People.com:

LeAnn Rimes is seeking help to address emotional issues. 

“LeAnn has voluntarily entered a 30 day in-patient treatment facility to cope with anxiety and stress,” her rep Marcel Pariseau tells PEOPLE in an exclusive statement. 

“While there will be speculation regarding her treatment, she is simply there to learn and develop coping mechanisms. While privacy isn’t expected, it’s certainly appreciated.” 

Rimes – who checked in on Wednesday, the day after her 30th birthday – tells PEOPLE she hopes to emerge from treatment with better tools to deal with the life she’ll be returning to. 

So this time around, let’s be really, really clear: stress isn’t a psychiatric issue.  It’s even LESS of a diagnosis than “exhaustion.”  There is no treatment for stress, and there certainly is no diagnostic code for fucking “stressed.”  Imagine if someone tried to check in to a facility for “stress” –– how exactly would a health insurance provider react to THAT, if they have as much trouble with the “normal” diagnoses that they do?  Of course, all of this is not to mention the pretty bad but still TOTALLY UNAVOIDABLE point that Leann Rimes probably doesn’t do her own laundry, cook her own food (too easy!), clean her own house or even pay her own bills, so what is she rehab-admission-worthy stressed about?

I really wish celebrities would stop doing these kinds of things.  They’re either a) denying their serious problems or b) trying to dramatize their really un-serious problems, and both are offensive to the general public at large, mostly notably me.

So, in conclusion, Leann Rimes and ESPECIALLY Marcel Pariseau for being worthless: Fuck yourselves.

Rhetorical (I Hope) Question

August 20, 2012

Should I feel bad about the fact that I’m a “writer” and yet very often use a Thesaurus?

Eh, Fuck It

August 13, 2012

So I’ve tried to really not post too many pretty things that I want to be purchased for me because my boyfriend is one of three followers of this blog and sometimes calls me out on basically keeping a running tally of all the gifts I would like him to give me (sometimes he’s right, sometimes not).  And this one is PARTICULARLY bad, because it’s a RING, and I’m not saying I need to get married now or any bullshit like that (trust me, I’m about done with the whole idea of a wedding at all right now, given recent experiences), but I saw this engagement ring on a shopping website the other day and am. officially. obsessed.

BLACK DIAMOND!

It’s a black fucking diamond.  So badass, and yet so beautiful.  The perfect antidote to all the boringly pure whites out there.

So why am I doing something so blatantly idiotic as posting an engagement ring when I know my boyfriend –– logical and fearless a thinker he may be –– looks at this site?  Well, it seems pretty obvious to me, a devotee of Walker Percy and all, that a lot of e-activity these days is a paltry attempt at ownership –– as in, we post a link to an article that we like because it allows us to feel that we have some active hand in its creation, or a picture of a blouse we may have seen online because by keeping a simulacrum of it on our blog (in our domain), it’s a bit like having it in our own closets.  In other words, passing the thing on, announcing our love of it, commenting on it online, these are the closest experiences we can ever have to owning the thing 100%, and while of course we should all aim towards some degree of needless Buddhist existence (especially American active-Facebookers), sometimes you can’t help but want to have something, to touch it and to keep it for yourself.  So basically I just want this beautiful thing, even in a way that is so pathetically by-proxy and associative, and I’m succumbing to my desire for one <500 word post.  I wanted to announce my attraction to it so much that I emailed a pretty prominent professional blogger who writes about cutesy stuff like baby clothes and NYC date ideas and told her she should post it.  Her response:

“haha, you are so cute!! thank you so much for writing:) oh wow, this ring is gorgeous; i really love it. i’d love to post about it soon. thank you so much for the great idea!!”

So maybe she will and maybe she won’t, but for whatever reason, it wasn’t good enough for me.  I wanted to claim it for myself, so here we are.

This is the catalyst for the creation of another retro-category, I believe: new lows.

 

This Book is Fucking Amazing

August 1, 2012

“Just then a young girl stopped us and invited us to partake of her.  My friend asked at once: ‘How much?’

She mentioned a sum.  ‘That’s too much,’ he said.  She came down.  Still he shook his head.

‘Come,’ she said finally, with a weary expression on her sallow face.  ‘I don’t want any money.  I just want you.’

Whereupon he took his watch out and said: ‘It’s too late.  Sorry, some other day, if you don’t mind.’  And taking me by the arm he started to move off.  She caught and held me.

‘For nothing,’ she repeated with despair in her deep-sunk eyes.  See, I’m rich.’  She opened her purse and pulled out a roll of bills.  Rolls of bills mean nothing much in France, but indeed she might have been rich.  She was well dressed, I noticed.  Nothing extravagant, but certainly not poorly.  Her whole body trembled as if in fever.  And the tremors coursed through her hand and communicated themselves to me.

My friend tore me away.  As we hastened on, I looked back and saw her standing where we had left her, her hands covering her face.

‘Why did you do that?’ I asked.  The action of my new acquaintance had disgusted me.  He had meant only to tease her.

‘I wanted to see how far down she would come.  I’ve had them come down to two francs, but never to nothing.  But her case can’t count because she wasn’t after money.  She’s a pathological case.'”

–– Guy Endore, The Werewolf of Paris

Opening “Poem”

July 12, 2012

Here’s the opening poem to Soula Coaster: The Diary of Me (apologies that I have been incorrectly referring to the title as the STORY of me.  I am so ashamed.)

Look behind myself as I reflect on all the memories

Good times they come and go

Lost everything from friends to family

If I could turn back the hands

There would be some things I’d change about me

I know my past is not what my future holds

Where I come from who could

believe all the pain and misery

Look in my eyes and you will see…

The diary of me

Rewind my life, just go back and correct all the wrong

And ask God to direct my path so then I could make it home

Years ago a child was born and raised without a man

My mom was scorned but still reached out her hand

Just open the book, turn the pages of my life

and you will read

A true story about one man’s journey…

The diary of me

I mean… just… just wow, Kells.  I really for once in my life have been struck dumb.  I believe I just WILL turn the pages of your life.  I really can’t wait until you deal with that whole urinating on a preteen thing.  That’s what I’m assuming you’re referring to when you say there would be some things you’d change, correct?

Woah

June 28, 2012

Remember Justin Guarini of 1st season of American Idol fame?  He has a one man show now called From Idol to Broadway (bad, bad title) at Joe’s Pub in New York City.

Justin Guarini’s new show “From Idol to Broadway” captures the world-class entertainer’s journey from the days of paying his dues, to skyrocketing to fame on the inaugural season of American Idol, and right through to his first of many bows on Broadway.  A funny and touching look at what makes an entertainer who has carved out niches in radio, film, television, theatre, and music tick, join Justin for a blend of hilarious and sobering stories from the road, popular music that covers virtually every genre, and a voice that captivates audiences night after night.

Sidenote: doesn’t Justin Guarini circa AI look like Sideshow Bob?

Personal Ads in The New York Review of Books

June 26, 2012

Exactly as cliched and hilarious as you would imagine.

Personal Services

EROTIC EXPLOSION: Let me blow your mind, your ultimate erogenous zone.  Provocative talk with educated beauty.  No limits.  (xxx) xxx-xxxx

AURAL EROTICA: with a naughty raconteur.  Uninhibited, unhurried kinky fun and fetish friendly.  Elizabeth.  (xxx) xxx-xxxx

GreenSingles.com –– Meet single book lovers who value green living, natural health, personal growth, spirituality.

SACRED EROTIC … The Incredible Lightness of Touch.  Private, safe, tasteful.  Greenwich Village.  (xxx) xxx-xxxx

Personals

LEGGY, LITERATE BRUNETTE seeks bookish sixty-something man with good stories to tell.

FABULOUS FEMALE MANHATTAN ARTIST seeks fit guy from anywhere, who lives in the Big Apple and could share with this happening gal of 80, dinners out, passion for travel, music, film, theater, books and art.

FIGHTING THE GOOD FIGHT against the fading light, Chicago financier seeks passion, romance, companionship and intelligent conversation to minimize impact of wife’s advanced Alzheimer’s.  He is superbly fit, mentally strong, financially able, socially adept, culturally competent, thoughtful, compassionate, handsome, and clever but these qualities are inadequate while caught in the web of confusion and stress that this illness creates.

TALL, GRACIOUS, slender yet shapely woman with a little Euro-chicness, low-key but top notch, newly empty nester (kids in college), based in NY and DC.  Fishing for sophistication, wit and enthusiasm in one man, age 50-65, with passion for both work and play, is focused but does not take himself too seriously.  Must also be tender, loving and enjoy a healthy lifestyle.

IF CONNECTING WITH A SOMEWHAT QUIRKY 29-year-old Columbia Ph.D. student who is at least reasonably attractive by most standards, and who has a sincere interest in much of the standard cultural fare of a reasonably well-educated urbanite (e.g. opera, theater, live (mostly classical) music, art museums) piques your interest, you might consider contacting me.  By way of greater disclosure, I might add that I have an incorrigibly curious nature, a handful of curmudgeonly views, a streak of friskiness, a touch of melancholy.  I’d like to find a partner, guide, lover, leader, and co-explorer and -idler.  Please be between roughly 40 and 55, at least a tad unconventional, kind (of course), passionate, and, at least in some one way, rather exceptional.  I’ll be happy to provide a photo once contact is established.

Reasons to Drop Out of Society

June 25, 2012

1. This:

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2. This:

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Anybody Planning to Off Him/Herself?

June 6, 2012

I’m looking to find someone who is planning on committing suicide anyway –– as in, has called the hotlines, tried the meds, done the treatments, no dice –– and wasn’t planning on leaving a note so I can strike a deal that they will leave a post-it at the scene that simply reads, “I cannot live in a world where there is a Tumblr devoted solely to Tumblrs.”  That way, his/her death will not be in vain.

AHAHAHAHA!

June 4, 2012

The only person who understands me professionally sent me this anecdote this morning, which is, as she says, awful and yet hilarious:

HS-D: Unrelated but horrific and funny side note: some friends of mine were telling me yesterday about the utterly insane, super preppy family they babysit for, and the children–Calem and Maude–have a cousin named CAPABILITY.  And the worst part: Capability has a battery of learning disorders.  How can these be the real lives of real people?