Archive for the ‘Jesting, Infinitely’ Category

Little Joys

March 30, 2012

My day has started out on a few bad notes, but when I saw this headline in the Times:

“Starbucks struggles to make headway in Europe”

(To be more accurate, in Business Day Live)

I was momentarily revived.  It’s nice to know even those who seem so together have their problems.  Like finding out the popular girl in middle school had a wicked case of psoriasis that (fortunately for her) was covered by her polos.

Problems

March 27, 2012

My colleague HW sent me this last night and I died laughing.  I can’t tell if it’s serious, but something tells me at least part of it is.

Home > All Categories > Food & Drink > Other – Food & Drink > Resolved Question

Submitted to Yahoo! Answers:

Im really hungry and have no money and no food to eat. What should I do?

— boop83

Submitted 3 years ago

Best Answer – Chosen by Voters

Sell your computer to get money to eat.

Kimberley wrote:

I’m sorry to hear this, no one should go hungry. Do you have a local food bank you could visit? They are really reasonable and help those in need. Otherwise I would visit your local church and see if they can help you. Another place to look into is your local Senior citizens center, they usually have lunches there daily. All that being said, if you live in an area where there are no facilities like I mentioned maybe you should knock on your neighbors door. I know its not the most appealing thing to do, but most people will help out when they can, its human nature. Good luck to you.

Sangeeth K wrote:

If this is really your state…I am very sorry about it. Get a job asap. But if you are asking for the sake of asking a question, you can drink lot of water. It will reduce the hunger. In olden days there were saints who drank only water and lived for years. But you need practice for that.

vee-smalls wrote:

go to a food bank…..or go to a mcdonallds and say that they messed up your food. their policy says that they have to give you what you sey they messed up without having to see a recipt.

Jez N wrote: 

I’m on the same boat as you. thats why im a go chaw from the supermarket. they got loads of money. don’t rob independent shops, they need the cash.

Chelsea V wrote: 

sneak into costco and eat all the samples.

middleEngland wrote:

dust. anybody….no?….dust

Jersey Girl wrote:

Go to a food bank.

No money – who’s paying for your internet connection?

Ally wrote:

wow go find some change on the ground and go to wendys or somthing

 ~M@~me~ wrote:

Call ur Mom, or be a man about it.

Some of these are predictable, and yet some are genius.  I’m totally trying that McDonald’s thing next time I’m hungry and my change doesn’t add up.

I Just Gotta Be Me

March 23, 2012

Sometimes I like being myself.  It’s the simple moments in my life that make it beautiful, the times I spend with myself, a gentle, humorous companion.  Like today, for example, when I was walking up 1st Avenue to catch the bus, I saw a flyer on a lamppost that read, “Suffer from ADHD or Dyslexia?  Join our group!  Come bowling with people just like you!”  And I immediately started to envision such an event, and then decided, “That is way too easy.”

THE NEW LOWS GAME

March 22, 2012

I’ve decided that playing this game (seeing what kind of new lows you can reach before you cease to be human) really can help add levity and joy to one’s miserable existence.  For example, last night I couldn’t sleep and so was lying awake at 2 AM watching an old episode of Law and Order: SVU that I’ve seen no less than THREE times under the guise of “research (trying to write a list –– subject cannot be disclosed –– which requires me spending upwards of 24 hours rewatching SVU’s and in the end, McSweeney’s won’t even touch my shit, guaranteed) and I actually started TEARING UP when the dad from The Wonder Years begged for judicial mercy for his sociopathic adopted daughter, and then when I was just about to chastise myself for being so PATHETIC, I chuckled and thought, “Gee, this is a new one!  What a funny sad sack I am!”

And now I’m off to read a bitter comedian’s tweets instead of do worthwhile work.  NAMASTE, THESE ARE PRAYER BEADS!

Bragging

March 20, 2012

Places I can legitimately say I’ve exhibited:

MoMA

Art Basel Miami

Armory Show, 2012 (see below)

Found This Out After the Fact

March 19, 2012

This morning, about twelve hours after my return from New Square, my friend sent me this article, which confirmed our suspicions that the house-cum-fish-market where we ate was where the infamous “talking, prophesizing carp” incident took place.  I suppose it’s better I found this out today and not Friday, as I wouldn’t have been able to resist peppering Mrs. Kupperman with questions about the fish.

The Times article about the incident, which took place in 2003:

Miracle? Dream? Prank? Fish Talks, Town Buzzes

By COREY KILGANNON

Published: March 15, 2003

And so it came to pass that a talking carp, shouting in Hebrew, shattered the calm of the New Square Fish Market and created what many here are calling a miracle.

Of course, others are calling it a Purim trick, a loopy tale worthy of Isaac Bashevis Singer or just a whopping fish story concocted by a couple of meshugenehs.

Whatever one calls it, the tale of the talking fish has spread in recent weeks throughout this tight-knit Rockland County community, populated by about 7,000 members of the Skver sect of Hasidim, and throughout the Hasidic world, inspiring heated debate, Talmudic discussions and derisive jokes.

The story goes that a 20-pound carp about to be slaughtered and made into gefilte fish for Sabbath dinner began speaking in Hebrew, shouting apocalyptic warnings and claiming to be the troubled soul of a revered community elder who recently died.

Many people here believe that it was God revealing himself that day to two fish cutters in the fish market, Zalmen Rosen, a 57-year-old Hasid with 11 children, and his co-worker Luis Nivelo, a 30-year-old Ecuadorean immigrant.

Some people say the story is as credible as the Bible’s account of the burning bush. Others compare it to a U.F.O. sighting. But the story rapidly spread around the world from this town about 30 miles northwest of Manhattan, first through word of mouth, then through the Jewish press.

The two men say they have each gotten hundreds of phone calls from Jews all over the world.

”Ah, enough already about the fish,” Mr. Rosen said today at the shop, as he skinned a large carp. ”I wish I never said anything about it. I’m getting so many calls every day, I’ve stopped answering. Israel, London, Miami, Brooklyn. They all want to hear about the talking fish.”

Here then is the story, according to the two men, the only witnesses. Mr. Rosen, whose family owns the store, and Mr. Nivelo, who has worked at the shop for seven years, say that on Jan. 28 at 4 p.m. they were carving up carp.

Mr. Nivelo, who is not Jewish, lifted a live carp out of a box of iced-down fish and was about to club it in the head.

But the fish began speaking in Hebrew, according to the two men. Mr. Nivelo does not understand Hebrew, but the shock of a fish speaking any language, he said, forced him against the wall and down to the slimy wooden packing crates that cover the floor.

He looked around to see if the voice had come from the slop sink, the other room or the shop’s cat. Then he ran into the front of the store screaming, ”The fish is talking!” and pulled Mr. Rosen away from the phone.

”I screamed, ‘It’s the devil! The devil is here!’ ” he recalled. ”But Zalmen said to me, ‘You crazy, you a meshugeneh.’ ”

But Mr. Rosen said that when he approached the fish he heard it uttering warnings and commands in Hebrew.

”It said ‘Tzaruch shemirah‘ and ‘Hasof bah,’ ” he said, ”which essentially means that everyone needs to account for themselves because the end is near.”

The fish commanded Mr. Rosen to pray and to study the Torah and identified itself as the soul of a local Hasidic man who died last year, childless. The man often bought carp at the shop for the Sabbath meals of poorer village residents.

Mr. Rosen panicked and tried to kill the fish with a machete-size knife. But the fish bucked so wildly that Mr. Rosen wound up cutting his own thumb and was taken to the hospital by ambulance. The fish flopped off the counter and back into the carp box and was butchered by Mr. Nivelo and sold.

The story has been told and retold, and many Jews believe that the talking fish was a rare shimmer of God’s spirit. Some call it a warning about the dangers of the impending war in Iraq.

”Two men do not dream the same dream,” said Abraham Spitz, a New Square resident who stopped by the store this week. ”It is very rare that God reminds people he exists in this modern world. But when he does, you cannot ignore it.”

Others consider it as fictional as Tony Soprano’s talking-fish dream in an episode of the ”The Sopranos.”

”Listen to what I’m telling you: Only children take this seriously,” said Rabbi C. Meyer of the New Square Beth Din of Kashrus, which administers kosher-food rules. ”This is like a U.F.O. story. I don’t care if it is the talk of the town.”

Whether hoax or historic event, it jibes with the belief of some Hasidic sects that righteous people can be reincarnated as fish.

Unnatural occurrences play a part in the mystical beliefs of members of the Skver sect. On the other hand, some skeptics note that the Jewish festival of Purim, which starts Monday night, is marked by merriment and pranks, which might be a less elevated explanation for the story.

Some community members are calling the two men an enlightened pair chosen to receive the message. Others have said that Mr. Nivelo may have been selected because he is not Jewish.

”If this was a story concocted by a bunch of Jewish guys, it might be suspect, but this Luis, or whatever his name is, he has no idea what this means,” said Matisyahu Wolfberg, a local lawyer.

”If people say God talks to them, we recommend a psychiatrist, but this is different,” said Mr. Wolfberg, sitting in his office with his black hat resting atop his computer terminal.

”This is one of those historical times when God reveals himself for a reason. It has sent spiritual shock waves throughout the Jewish community worldwide and will be talked about throughout the ages.”

Zev Brenner, who last week broadcast a show about the fish on ”Talk Line,” his talk radio show on Jewish issues, on WMCA-AM (570) and WSNR-AM (620), said that the story has fascinated the religious community worldwide.

”I’ve gotten calls from all over asking ‘Did you hear about the fish?’ ” he said. ”You can imagine, a talking fish has got people buzzing. This is going to be talked about for a long time to come, unless it’s somehow verified as a hoax, which is hard to imagine, since the proof has been eaten up.”

Mr. Brenner said that the story is so well known that it has inspired a whole new genre of wedding jokes for Jewish comedians.

”The station had an advertiser, a gefilte fish manufacturer, who considered changing his slogan to ‘Our fish speaks for itself,’ but decided people would be offended,” he said.

As for Mr. Nivelo, a practicing Christian, he still believes the babbling carp was the devil. His wife told him he was crazy, and his 6-year-old daughter even laughs at him.

”I don’t believe any of this Jewish stuff,” he said. ”But I heard that fish talk.”

He said that Spanish-speaking rabbis have been calling his home every day and night asking him to recount the story.

”It’s just a big headache for me,” he added. ”I pull my phone out of the wall at night. I don’t sleep and I’ve lost weight.”

Mr. Rosen said that he spoke to his wife, who was visiting Israel, and that she had already heard the story from someone else.

”My phone doesn’t stop ringing,” Mr. Rosen said. ”Always interruptions, people coming in and taking their picture with me.”

He paused and turned to Mr. Nivelo, who was cutting salmon for a customer.

”No, too big,” he said. ”She wants appetizer.”

—-

 

The only appropriate follow up question, I think, is: who ate the fish?

 

Reasons Why I’m Posting A Random Funny Picture

March 13, 2012

1. I drank two glasses of wine and ergo cannot write anything of value (I wanted to put every word of that in quotes –– overly quoting I find actually side-splitting hilarious these days, which… )

2. I am full because I –– get this –– after my drinks date went to get a piece of pizza, ate it as I walked to the subway, rode the subway home, on the way decided I STILL WANTED PIZZA, and then got another slice in my neighborhood on my way to my house.

3. Melancholy Mondays

4. Still feeling a little raw from being burned by Vice

5. It’s hard to concentrate with Law and Order in the background.

4. I have actual work to do.  Sheesh, you think all I do is write down genius one-liners, think about schadenfreude and eat pizza?  I’m a multitalented multitasker (that’s my rap name, actually.)

A funny picture:

By the way, the categorization of this as “It Could Be Worse…” refers to reader’s comparing him/herself to me.  It could be worse, Nabokovian reader.  You could be pathologically obsessed with pizza.

Groups I’d Like to Join

March 6, 2012

“You started seeing them around town the following autumn, people in white clothing, traveling in same-sex pairs, always smoking.  Laurie recognized a few of them –– Barbara Santangelo, whose son was in her daughter’s class; Marty Powers, who used to play softball with her husband, and whose wife was taken in the Rapture, or whatever it was.  Mostly they ignored you, but sometimes they followed you around as if they were private detectives hired to keep track of your movements.  If you said hello, they just gave you a blank look, but if you asked a more substantive question, they handed over a business card printed on one side with the following message:

WE ARE MEMBERS OF THE GUILTY REMNANT.  WE HAVE TAKEN A VOW OF SILENCE.  WE STAND BEFORE YOU AS LIVING REMINDERS OF GOD’S AWESOME POWER.  HIS JUDGMENT IS UPON US.

“In smaller type, on the other side of the card, was a Web address you could consult for more information: http://www.guiltyremnant.com.

“… Laurie had read an article about the Guilty Remnant in the local paper, so she knew that there were at least sixty people living in their ‘compound’ on Gingko Street, an eight-house subdivision that had been deeded to the organization by the developer, a wealthy man named Troy Vincent, who was now living there as an ordinary member, with no special privileges.”

~ Tom Perrotta, The Leftovers

My only question, though, is can I keep my white veil in accordance with my membership in the Union of Hideously and Improbably Deformed?  Can I break my vow of silence to speak in my UHID group sessions?

SPAM

March 2, 2012

Sometimes I find SPAM hilarious.  Like this gem:

Subject: Dead or Alive?

Usually i don’t do this but this is the only way I could contact you for now, I want you to be very careful about this and keep this secret with you until I make out space for us to see. You have no need of knowing who I am or where i am from. I know this may sound very surprising to you but it’s the situation. I have been paid some ransom in advance to terminate you with some reasons listed to me by my employer. It’s someone I believe you call a friend, I have followed you closely for a while now and have seen that you are innocent of the accusations leveled against you. Do not contact the police or try to send a copy of this to them, because if you do, I will know, and I might be pushed to do what I have been paid to do.Besides, this is the first time I turn out to be a betrayer in my job. I took pity on you and your family. That is why I have made up my mind to help you. Reply me as soon as you get this mail or i will be left with no choice than to terminate you.

If you are willing to help yourself and not make your family attend your untimely death reply me asap.

There is no time to waste..

 

Altaïr Ibn-La’Ahad..

 

The funny thing is that someone sent this to my boss, who doesn’t really have “family,” just one grown daughter.  Foiled, Ibn-La’Ahad!

Some Funny Sentences From the Last Two Days

March 1, 2012

Text from KM: I get a shopper’s high from CVS.

Text from IS: I want to dress using only 33 items of clothing

Gchat with Boyfriend

ML:  incidentally

i’m on your bed

is there something you want to tell me?

ID:  what’s on there?

ML:  book of mormon…

ID:  ahahahhahaa

put me to sleep!

KC: Confession –– I’ve been listening to the new Rihanna CD –– AND I LIKE IT!