Archive for the ‘Jesting, Infinitely’ Category

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

November 27, 2012

Seeking Young Brooklyn Literati For TV Show (Park Slope)

Date: 2012-11-27, 2:53PM EST

Notable Hollywood reality TV producer seeking young, hip (or just plain different) writers of all ilks: bloggers, journalists, novelists, playwrights, essayists, etc. for a new television show that will chronicle the lives of aspiring and published writers living and immersed in the Brooklyn literary scene.

Please send us a 3-5 minute long video of YOU …. recorded on your I-phone, computer camera, etc. (or private youtube link) . We want a real glimpse into your lifestyle as a writer thriving or even just “trying to get by” in the culture of the Brooklyn literary scene. Take us to one of your spots, introduce us some of your writer friends, bring us to a literary get together, include us in a meeting with your agent, argument with your spouse, or just plan old witty rant! The more you reveal of your authentic self and literary lifestyle, the better … Get creative! Tell us about your: mood swings, daily grind, professional experiences, “extracurricular” outlets, personal relationships, rivalries, and, in particular, how you get your inspiration for whatever it is that you write.

The real YOU is desired here.

Videos will only be used for internal casting purposes and will remain strictly private. Do not forget to include all of your relevant contact information, as well as short writing sample in the body of the email. All Genres welcome. You will be contacted for further consideration.

Location: Park Slope

it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Compensation: no pay

 

 

NO PAY!?!?  Writers need to get paid, asshole.  You expect us just to be moody and witty and ranting for FREE, do you?

A Tweet

November 26, 2012

Writing an article about Jewish punk rockers — reached out to band Moshiach Oi! — something amazing about seeing “Moshiach” in your inbox.

Who will email me next? Buddha?

Repetition

November 15, 2012

I know that my most recent post was basically an excerpt from an invite, but here’s another from the weekly email reminder about Chulent, a Thursday night gathering for those on the Chasidic spectrum.  It starts out normally.  Just keep reading.

 

This Thursday night November 15th we will get together as unusual for some Chulent and Schmoozing.

Much more hot food than usual, please spread the word to those that might be in need especially in light of the storms.

Time: 10:15 PM

Lecturer : Chaim Chernikov

Topic : How Language Affects Our Lives & How to Escape Thinking Altogether (An Introduction to Modern Linguistics)

The lecture will have two parts. In the first part “How language affects our lives” we will discuss the Roman Jakobson communication scheme, Sapir-Whorf Theory & will end with Wittgenstein and some final remarks. (You can Google the references). This section will be very dense and irrelevant, but people will be impressed with my verbosity and scope. The important takeout after this part will be “wow, he’s so smart!” nothing more nothing less, as always at Chulent.

In the second part of the lecture  “How to escape thinking altogether” we will present a workshop on a very safe and innovative method of cooking meth.

You will be able to take meth samples home with you after the class. Bring your own apron, or we will provide aprons, which you can rent for this class at $2.

I’m about 68% sure they’re kidding.

I’ll Give It to the Nonsense Listserv

October 13, 2012

This sounds pretty fun:

 

NYC Fifth Annual Big Wheel Race

Welcome back to Fluff’s Fifth Annual NYC Big Wheel race. The past five years have shown us the marvels of madness with Ice Wheels, speed trials and countless four-wheeling events on three wheels. We’re back to the brouhaha that started it all.

Bring your own Big Wheel. This includes: Big Wheels, trikes, velocipedes, skateboards you can sit on and control, ice boxes, toilets with wheels, soapbox vessels, or other hand made or rehashed contraptions.

The rules are as follows: Your seat or bottom must be no higher than 12 inches above the ground. Avoid rubber wheels; plastic or other is favored. Wear safety gear. Riders have been known to break 30mph. This is open to everyone. You ride at your own risk. We’ll use both the Rocket Path and the Danger Loop.

Costumes: superheroes are encouraged to dress the part and ride as the heroes they are. Wonder Woman, we miss you, please come back. Performers: If you’d like to play your guitar, bring your hoop, spin poi, or teach us all how to paint small children’s faces please do so.

Central Park

106th Street and 5th Avenue entrance, walk up to the top of the path, Manhattan

3p photos, 3:30p racing, 5:30p enchiladas; $free

 

Then again, I’ve always been a sucker for those pillow fight people.

Friday Funnies

October 12, 2012

LB:  i got on the scale today and it read “low”

i was hoping it was referring to my weight but it was referring to the battery.

me: BAHAHAHAHAHA

LB:  also my aunt ran over her dog for the second time.

me:  omg

LB:  she’s such a flake.

800 Anxiety

October 3, 2012

GUYS.

Guess what.

This is my 800th post.

I’ve had a lot of anxiety about it, actually, because while there have been a bunch of things that I wanted to post about, none of them seemed “special enough” for this milestone.  Then I thought maybe I should just let it pass unmentioned, and finally I settled on revealing my anxiety so as to preemptively soften the judgments of my critical readers.  It’s this type of psychological gymnastics that keep me going, folks.

What I’ve opted to do is make a little list about the number 800 and pretend that, because it’s a list, there is some interesting interconnectedness to all these random facts.  Very Harper’s Index of me, I know.  Anyway, let us begin:

800 is a Harshad number.  A Harshad number, or Niven number in a given number base, is an integer that is divisible by the sum of its digits when written in that base. Harshad numbers were defined by D. R. Kaprekar, a mathematician from India. The word “Harshad” comes from the Sanskrit harṣa (joy) + da (give), meaning joy-giver. The Niven numbers take their name from Ivan M. Niven from a paper delivered at a conference on number theory in 1997. All integers between zero and n are Harshad numbers in base n.

800 is the first year that the Anno Domini calendar became the dominant year-numbering system in Europe.  800 AD was a leap year that began on a Wednesday, and on Christmas of that year, Charlemagne was crowned Emperor of the Holy Roman Empire.

In numerology, the number 800 carries the energy of 8 only, which possess the following “energies”: material possessions, abundance, authority, leadership, cosmic awareness, self-motivated, prosperity, and infinity.

1-800-222-1222 is the toll free number for every poison control center in the US.

In some Biblical Gematria shit… well, I can’t think of how to segue, so here’s an excerpt from the Bible Wheel Archives:

The historic Christian Church has traditionally associated the Number 8 with the entrance into the Covenant of God. This understanding comes from God Himself who commanded Circumcision – the Sign of the Covenant – to be performed on the Eighth Day. God used the same language – אות ברית (Ot B’rit, Sign of the Covenant) – when He gave the Rainbow (Genesis 9.13):

I do set my bow in the cloud, and it shall be for a token of a covenant between me and the earth.

Genesis 17:10f

The word “rainbow” (קשת, qeshet) used in this verse sums to the Number 800 which also is the value of the Greek words “Lord” and “Faith.” It also is the value of the final letter of the Greek alphabet, Omega (cf. Eight and the Resurrection below). This is the essence of Faith – trusting in the Lord who will see us through to the very end, signified by Omega. This lifts us above our present state to behold our Shepherd who is Lord above all.

Given the extreme significance of Circumcision as the Sign of the Covenant, it is no wonder that the Rabbi’s have long expounded on the spiritual significance of the Number Eight and its relation to God’s Covenant. For example, on page 134 of his book Alef-Beit, Rabbi Yitzchak declares:

The Torah prescribes that the circumcision of a male child take place on the eighth day from birth. These eight days always include at least one Shabbat, the seventh day, which corresponds to the experience of perfect harmony with nature. The eighth day of circumcision represents the power of the soul to contact that light which totally transcends nature. Through circumcision the Jew is given the power, throughout his life, to overcome all the obstacles nature may seem to place in the face of his service of G-d.

The transcendence associated with the Number Eight – recognized by both Jews and Christians – ultimately manifests in the everlasting New Beginning found in the Resurrection of the Lord Jesus Christ.

For the Olympics this past year, the London-based design firm BarberOsgerby designed a torch that was 800mm heigh, weighed 800grammes and featured 8,000 perforated circles representing the 8,000 torchbearers who would carry it on its journey.

A random urine osmolality should average 500–800 mOsm/kg.

No social security numbers with an area number [first three numbers] in the 800s or 900s, or with a 000 area number, have been assigned.

The Book of Kells is generally thought to have been created ca. 800.

In Wolof, a language native to the peoples of Senegal, Gambia, and Mauritania, 800 is pronounced “juróom-ñetti téeméer.”

In California, the interim statewide Academic Performance Index target for all schools is 800.

The gardens of Versailles cover approximately 800 hectares of land.

In regard to the LIBOR scandal of earlier this year, the number Barclay’s fiddled with is used as a benchmark to set payments on about $800 trillion-worth of financial instruments, ranging from complex interest-rate derivatives to simple mortgages.

In the Dewey Decimal system, 800 numbers are Literature, English Literature, American Literature, Rhetoric and Criticism.

And last but not leasts (as you’ve probably realized, this could go on for 800 mind-numbing years), in order to get your tickets to the annul Faerie Festival, please call 1 800 922 TIXX.  The 2012 festival featured “I-Knew-the-Maharishi-First” Donovan, Tricky Pixie, and what seems to be the incongruously named “Heavy Hammer.”

WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?

 

DFW Reviews a Halfway House

September 5, 2012

Many believe this to be an anonymous letter, really written by Wallace, about his stays in the Boston-area Granada House.

An Ex-Resident’s Story

I was referred to Granada House in November 1989. “Referred” is a very polite way to put it. I was a patient in a rehab attached to a well-known mental hospital in Boston, and a psychiatrist in this rehab had established some credibility with me, and he opined that (1) unless I signed up for long-term treatment someplace, I wasn’t going to be able to stay off drugs and alcohol; and that (2) if I couldn’t find a way to stay off drugs and alcohol, I was going to be dead by 30. I was 27. This was not my first in-patient rehab, nor was it my first mental hospital.

 

Because certain myths about both addiction and halfway houses die hard, I’ll give you a little bio. I was raised in a solid, loving, two-parent family. None of my close relatives have substance problems. I have never been in jail or arrested–I’ve never even had a speeding ticket. In 1989, I already had a BA and one graduate degree and was in Boston to get another. And I was, at age 27, a late-stage alcoholic and drug addict. I had been in detoxes and rehabs; I had been in locked wards in psych facilities; I had had at least one serious suicide attempt, a course of ECT, and so on. The diagnosis of my family, friends, and teachers was that I was bright and talented but had “emotional problems.” I alone knew how deeply these problems were connected to alcohol and drugs, which I’d been using heavily since age fifteen. Every single one of my mental health crises had followed a period of heavy bingeing on marijuana, tranquilizers, and alcohol. I had first vowed to quit at age nineteen; the longest I’d ever gone without any sort of substance was three months. I was convinced that this was because I was weak, or because I really did have intractable mental problems which only drugs and alcohol gave me any relief from.

 

I therefore spent most of the 1980s on the horns of a dilemma that many addicts and alcoholics understand very well. On the one hand, I knew that drugs and alcohol controlled me, ran my life, and were killing me. On the other, I loved them–I mean really loved them, as in the sort of love where you’ll do anything, tell yourself any sort of lie to keep from having to let the beloved go. For most of the late 80s, my method for “quitting” drugs was to switch for a period from just drugs to just alcohol. Then I’d switch back to drugs in order to “quit” drinking. The idea of months or* *years without any chemicals at all was unimaginable. This was my basic situation. I both wanted help and didn’t. And I made it hard for anyone to help me: I could go to a psychiatrist one day in tears and desperation and then two days later be fencing with her over the fine points of Jungian theory; I could argue with drug counselors over the difference between a crass pragmatic lie and an “aesthetic” lie told for its beauty alone; I could flummox 12-Step sponsors over certain obvious paradoxes inherent in the concept of denial. And so forth.

 

Six months in Granada House helped me immeasurably. I still wince at some of the hyperbole and melodrama that are used in recovery-speak, but the fact of the matter is that my experience at Granada House helped me, starting with the fact that the staff admitted me despite the obnoxious condescension with which I spoke of them, the House, and the l2-Step programs of recovery they tried to enable. They were patient, but they were not pushovers. They enforced a structure and discipline about recovery that I was not capable of on my own: mandatory counseling, mandatory AA or NA meetings, mandatory employment, curfew, chores, etc. Not to mention required reading of AA/NA literature whether I found it literarily distinguished or not. Granada House also provided my first experience of an actual recovering community: there were over twenty newly recovering residents, and the paid staff–almost all of whom were in recovery–and the unpaid volunteers, and the dozens of House alumni who seemed always to be around in the kitchen and living room and offices. I made friends, and enemies, and enemies who then became friends. I was, for six months, literally immersed in recovery. At the time, it seemed crowded and claustrophobic and loud, and I resented the lack of “privacy,” just as I resented the radical simplicity of l2-Step programs’ advice to newcomers: go to a l2-Step meeting every day, make one such meeting your home group, get a sponsor and tell him the truth, get active with some kind of job in your home group, pray for help whether you believe in God or not, etc. The whole thing seemed uncomfortable and undignified and dumb. Now, from the perspective of almost fourteen years sober, it looks like precisely what I needed. In Granada House, I was surrounded by recovering human beings in all their variety and sameness and neurosis and compassion, and I was kept busy, and I was made bluntly and continually aware of the fact that I had a potentially fatal disease that could be arrested only by doing some very simple, strange-looking things. I was denied the chance to sit chain-smoking in private and drive myself crazy with abstract questions about stuff that didn’t matter nearly as much as simply not putting chemicals into my body.

 

This is not to say that the staff and volunteers at Granada House didn’t listen. The House was structured and disciplined, but it was not authoritarian. One of the kindest and most helpful things the House staff did for me was to sit down and listen–to complaints, cravings, questions, confessions, rants, resentments, terrors, and insights both real and imagined–because a lot of my early recovery consisted of learning to say aloud the stuff about drugs and alcohol and recovery I was thinking, instead of keeping it twisting and writhing around inside my head. People at Granada House listened to me for hours, and did so with neither the clinical disinterest of doctors nor the hand-wringing credulity of relatives. They listened because, in the last analysis, they really understood me: they had been on the fence of both wanting to get sober and not, of loving the very thing that was killing you, of being able to imagine life neither with drugs and alcohol nor without them. They also recognized bullshit, and manipulation, and meaningless intellectualization as a way of evading terrible truths–and on many days the most helpful thing they did was to laugh at me and make fun of my dodges (which were, I realize now, pathetically easy for a fellow addict to spot), and to advise me just not to use chemicals today because tomorrow might very well look different. Advice like this sounds too simplistic to be helpful, but it was crucial: I had gotten through a great many days sober before I realized that one day is all I really had to get through.

 

Finally, because all the staff and ex-residents were members of AA and NA, my relationships with them helped ease me into active membership in 12-Step fellowships, which is pretty much the only proven method for maintaining long-term sobriety. Now, in 2003, I no longer live in Boston, but I am an active, committed member of AA in my new community.

 

I am also a productive member of that community. Citizens or government agencies that are considering financial support of Granada House might be interested in the following breakdown. From 1983 to 1989 I paid almost no taxes, cost two different health insurance companies almost $100,000 in treatments, institutionalizations, and psychiatric care, cost myself and my parents another $70,000-$80,000 when insurance ran out, and cost two different states thousands of dollars when my own support ran out and I had to declare myself indigent. In 1990 and 1991, I paid no real taxes but also didn’t cost anyone anything. From 1992 to present, I have cost family, government, and charitable institutions nothing, have paid well over $325,000 in federal, state, and municipal taxes, and have donated a least another $100,000 to various charities. I don’t know what it cost to put me through Granada House for six months (I myself paid $20 a week in rent, though this was sliding-scale because I was broke), but by even the coldest type of cost-accounting, it appears to me that it was worth it for everyone.

Hunting for Unicorns

August 17, 2012

When I was a kid, my family and would often go up to Mackinac Island, a tiny little isle that sits in the place where Lake Huron and Lake Michigan meet (kind of).  Mackinac was enchanting to me as a child because it existed in kind of a time bubble –– there were (and still are) no cars on the island, the most prevalent type of establishment is fudge shops, and the homes are these enormous Victorian palaces that seemed like they must have housed the wealthiest and most sophisticated of fur traders.  I was always most intrigued by two things about Mackinac: the first was that there were actual people who lived their all year round (how many?  I guessed maybe 60, but according to the 2010 census, it’s actually 492) but the lives of those who made their homes on wind-swept, isolated dots of land surrounded by water fascinated me regardless of specific Island.  The second reason was the Grand Hotel, a 385-room white tank of a building on the hillside, a testament to WASPy days-gone-by, complete with the world’s longest porch (reputedly), high tea every day, uniformed ethnic maids and a shrine to the Christopher Reeves movie Somewhere in Time, which was filmed there, in the lobby.

My beloved boyfriend was sweet enough during this last visit to indulge me on a $10 (a person!) self-guided “tour” (read: entrance fee, and that’s it) around the Grand Hotel.  As we wandered the halls looking at the art –– which fell into one of two categories: “chintzy” or “satirical” –– I came across the below article, framed:

October is Unicorn Questing Month

In search of a one-horned medieval symbol of purity

by Mark Abley

The Gazette

“Season of mists and mellow fruitfulness,” a poet once called it. Today we know it was a month of pumpkins and red trees, Thanksgiving and the World Series.

But October has other meanings, too. Just ask Bill Rabe.

A retired public-relations man, he lives in Sault Ste. Marie, Mich., just a stone’s throw away from Canada. At 70, he’s reached an age when a lot of men slow down.

Not Bill Rabe. For him, January brings Dancing Cuckoo Week, June means World Sauntering Day, and July had the Mackinac Island Stone Skipping Tournament.

But Rabe’s year is crowned by October. For on Mackinac Island, not far from Sault Ste. Marie, October is Unicorn Questing Month.

Be warned: a quest is not the same thing as a hunt.

“Only thing you can hunt on the island is a squirrel,” Rabe says. “Of course, a deer will swim over from the mainland sometimes.”

And couldn’t deer be related to the fabulous unicorn?

“Not at all,” Rabe retorts. “Deer have got too many horns.”

A unicorn, you’ll remember, has only one horn, growing proudly in the middle of its pale forehead. Unicorns have been rumored to exist for millennia – the Bible contains a few references to them – but nobody ever suceeded [ed. note: sic] in capturing one. In the Middle Ages, the unicorn became a symbol of purity, often linked to virginity.

Unicorns also were a symbol of truth: “If you stood in front of a unicorn and you were guilty,” Rabe says, “he would shish-kebab you.”

Now in the forests of Mackinac Island, during the first 11 days of October, Unicorn Questing Season is reserved for people with bows and arrows. At other times, Rabe’s official licenses say, questing devices may include general levity, iambic pentameter and sweet talk.

The season culminates in Unicorn Follies, a weekend of revelry at the Grand Hotel. A four-storey building, built in 1887, it lives up to its name: the hotel has more than 300 rooms and 500 staff.

The follies begin with a cocktail party at which questing licenses are issued, new members welcomed, and everybody listens to a tape of the Irish Rovers droning on about unicorns. When enough rusty nails and brown cows have been imbibed, in walks a fair maiden with a unicorn on her arm.

“The unicorn is my son James,” Rabe explains. “He’s 22, and he’ll do anything to wear a tuxedo. So he gets dressed up in a white tie and tails, and then he puts on a rubber unicorn mask.”

James Rabe and his rubber mask reappear at the costume ball. One year a bush and quail showed up; another year, two people came disguised as Hershey bars.

“At the bottom of her costume,” Bill Rabe recalls, “the woman wore a little sign: NO NUTS.”

To wash down the drinks, there’s a lavish buffet, for which the hotel chef carves a meter-long unicorn out of ice. You don’t have to worry about drinking and driving, because Mackinac Island has no cars.

When the guests have dispersed, Rabe returns to Sault Ste. Marie. But he doesn’t just wait for Dancing Cuckoo Week; all year long, he does publicity for the unicorn.

Since the Unicorn Questers were born 21 years ago, Rabe has given out more than 80,000 licenses. A unicorn also appears in the seal of his Sons of the Desert Society.

The Sons of the Desert, in case you were wondering, are devoted to Laurel and Hardy films. In Rabe’s mind, if no one else’s, they’re associated with Hush Labels, which produces silent records.

Back to the unicorn. “It’s a symbol of the impossible dream,” Rabe says. “It’s a symbol of why man is here. It’s a symbol of the meaning of life.”

And what is the meaning of life?

Well, if you want to join the Unicorn Questing Society, you have to swear the following oath: “I was born with a gift of laughter and a sense that the world is mad.”

************************************

This year’s edition of Unicorn Follies has been sold out for weeks. If you’d like to go next year, be ready to fork out about $500 U.S. a couple per weekend.

For more information, write:

W.T. Rabe, 1204 Davitt, Sault Ste. Marie, Mich. 49783, U.S.A.

So my task now is to write to the above address (though I fear Bill Rabe has expired?) to inquire about this year’s festival, and, failing that, to contact the Mackinac newspaper.  I want to attend and write something about it.  Or maybe just attend.  Whatevs.

Interestingly enough, this is one of at least two nonsensical holidays born at the Grand Hotel.  World Sauntering Day, another of Rabe’s faves, was created “to remind us to take it easy, smell the roses, to slow down and enjoy life as opposed to rushing through it.”

 

This Game Is Really Fun

August 14, 2012

… but why is it still kind of scary?!  Cause I’m a chicken even when I can’t see the person’s face.

Live Chat with J. Crew online shopping specialist.

Thank you for shopping J.Crew–a specialist will be with you shortly.

You are now chatting with Sara S.

You: Hi Sara

Sara S: Hello! How may I help you today?

You: Well I’m looking at these Macalister High-Hell Ankle Boots

You: and they’re really nice, similar to a style I’ve wanted for a while

You: but then I’m plagued by this nagging existential nausea that after this, there will just be more to want

You: and forever and ever, until we die

Sara S: Did you have any other questions for me regarding our merchandise?

You: Do these boots run small at all?

Sara S: May I have the item number?

You: 98527

Sara S: No, but if you are a half-size, you should order up.

You: Because of socks, probably.

Sara S: No, it is because this item is not offered in half sizes.

You: Oh, yes, or that.

You: Are you a real person?

Sara S: Did you have any other questions about any other items?

Sara S: Yes, I am.

You: Wow. Technology.

Macalister Boots do not come in half sizes, and do not ward against death.

 

Jesting, INFINITELY!

August 5, 2012

My boyfriend and I are on vacation up in northern Michigan, so I will be MIA for a few days and not doing my usual 18 posts of nonsense every day.  My boyfriend won’t be doing much of anything except gobbling up the book he brought, no doubt influenced by me: yep, you guessed it, Infinite Jest!  I love it when I can relive the Jest via another (not in a position for a re-read just about now.)

Below is a picture of a poster I have which is a massive chart of all the characters in the tome.  It’s been on my to-frame list for a year or maybe more.  I’m going to start a Kickstarter fund: “Help ID Frame Shit and Decorate Her Apartment So That She Has a Chance of Being Featured On The Selby.”  Won’t you donate to this excellent cause?

Wow, so many characters! Created by the excellent Sam Potts.