No Longer in Denial

September 12, 2011

In an earlier post, I said I was not a Kate Moss devotee, but I think I was either lying or have developed into one over the past year or so.  Anyway, I stumbled across my coworker’s copy of Kate Moss Style: Inside the World’s Most Famous Wardrobe by Angela Buttolph and have been skimming through for an hour or so.  A quote I stumbled across reminds me way too much of myself!  (Minus the whole assertive follow-through.)

“I’d been saying for years, ‘Shall I cut my hair?  Shall I cut my hair?  Shall I cut my hair?’  And my friend was like, ‘Kate, for God’s sake, shut up!  Just cut it!’  So I did that day.”

One of these days I will do it!

I Am Poor

September 12, 2011

So I look on Craigslist for freelance gigs.  A lot.  People should pay me a lot to do things I like to do, but they don’t, so I have to contemplate gigs like babysitting a teenager post-psychiatric hospitalization and modeling for painters (neither one of which I’ve gotten a response from yet.  Fuckers.)  Anyway, I found this hilarious advertisement for a salesperson at an adult video store out on Staten Island:

WE ARE HIRING

I was told to hire new employees. Usually they take applications till they are blue in the face, talk to the people for a little while, throw them on a shift or two to see if they can handle it and hire someone.

Well, that is basically what I’m going to be doing, but, I really don’t want to hire some drone who just thinks they are superior because they work in a freakn’ adult shop. They don’t get to know the products, and think it is cake work. Sure, being a body IS cake, but I don’t want another body.

Do not apply if you don’t have a car.
Do not apply if you have another job.
Do not apply if you can’t tell your parents/boyfriend/girlfriend/etc
Do not apply if you’re in school.
The hours are set at 9am-6pm…6pm-3am

We’ve tried to work around these things before, and it doesn’t work.

You must be happy to approach everyone of all ages, genders and sexual preferences, we are looking for natural born sellers (it is a job after-all), a team player, someone who comes in on time. The same things Macy’s looks for… except you must have an edge, some product knowledge, something we can work with…because we don’t sell sweaters here. We need you to hit the floor running. We need that cool confidence.

I bet you’re nodding your head saying “THAT IS ME!”, then reply to this posting for more info.

—–

Sadly, I am shaking my head no and furrowing my brow in a half grossed-out, half pitying way.

My Boss Can Be Meaaaaaaaan

September 12, 2011

So I’m cleaning out my office and I find a draft of an email that my boss may or may not have sent.  The context makes it pretty clear what’s going on: Cousin emailed asking for a family tree, boss doesn’t like the cunt.  (This may be a fairly inappropriate thing to do, but my boss always says he “has no secrets,” and as this little policy of his causes great distress in MY life, I think it’s actually justified.  Generously edited for content and to protect the identities of those mentioned.)

To [presumably] a cousin:

Dear —–,
It is so odd to hear from you as you showed so little interest in my mother after my father’s death, and even in my father when he was alive, despite years of attention he gave his sister –– your mother –– that I was dumbfounded.  Perhaps age has made you think of family, but I don’t at all mind saying that both my mother and father were very hurt by what you probably never gave a thought to i.e. family [awkward wording.]

Also during my 20 years running —- in London, you must have been in London sometimes –– I was in Cambridge only once and saw you with my daughter–– and during all those times in London you made no effort whatsoever to see me and my daughter.

Never mind, live moves on.  [sic]

Regarding your request regarding the —– family tree, there is no such thing.  There is a —– family tree, but that’s not your family; that’s my mother’s side.  And as you weren’t very interested in the —— until apparently just now, you could hardly be interested in the ——.  Having said the above, I did some extraordinary research into the —— and know a whole lot.  I went to Brazil to track down those Luxenburgers who escaped there and went to Grevenmacher to visit your mother’s relatives there; I did this several times and am in touch with them.  I went to Bossum for family reunions which take place every five years, and on and on…

So I know a great deal including other connections that —— and —— had with people here in New York.  Undso Weiter [sic].  Your inquiry was as brief and as short I remember you being, you and —- having no family feeling whatsoever.  There’s not even an inquiry in your letter after all these years about how anyone is.  

I’m sure you’re prospering.  The few times I met you I could see that [w]as all you were interested in [sic].  I also missed any sign of your interest in a cultural life, just real estate and making money. 

You thoroughly deserve this letter.  What could you expect from the perfunctory letter you sent after all these years?  You don’t even deserve this response.  

However, if you have any particular questions, since I spent so much time informing myself of our background and what they all went through, I will of course answer you.

 

Shabbat Shalom!

September 9, 2011

A list for Friday:

39 Categories of Work Prohibited on the Sabbath

Sowing
Plowing
Reaping
Binding sheaves
Threshing
Winnowing
Selecting
Grinding
Sifting
Kneading
Baking
Shearing wool
Washing wool
Beating wool
Dyeing wool
Spinning
Weaving
Making two loops
Weaving two threads
Separating two threads
Tying
Untying
Sewing stitches
Tearing
Trapping
Slaughtering
Flaying
Tanning
Scraping hide
Marking hides
Cutting hide to shape
Writing two or more letters
Erasing two or more letters
Building
Demolishing
Extinguishing a fire
Kindling a fire
Putting the finishing touch on an object
Transporting an object between a private domain and the public domain, or for a distance of 4 cubits within the public domain
***
I feel like the hardest would be “selecting.”  I select, like, all the time.

Fashion’s Night Out

September 8, 2011

Tonight is Fashion’s Night Out, the annual event when people celebrate the fashion industry by forming crowds, standing in lines, and looking pissed off.  I will be honoring the occasion by going home, trying to get some work done, giving up and resorting to drinking tall boys, eating pizza, and watching my new obsession, Dance Moms on Lifetime, of which yes, I am very ashamed.

All the while dressed like my new muse, Kathy Bates in Misery.

Gotta get fat, ugly, and/or "touched" to snag an Oscar.

 

WANTED: American Spiritual Martyr

September 8, 2011

We here at The World Inc. (a 501C3 corporation) have an opening for a martyr with a spiritual bent in our North American division.

Qualifications: Male and female applicants will be considered, but we are particularly looking for someone young (between the ages of 17 and 30) as we want our martyr to commit to a life of asceticism for years or to perish at a relatively early age.  A basic knowledge of both Western and Eastern philosophy required; deeper understanding of theology, lives of Catholic saints, the works of Saint Augustine, Simone Weil, Anaxagoras, Kierkegaard, Gandhi, and Wole Soyinka preferred.  Candidates will likely have struggled with spirituality and sense of self in their youth, be naturally somewhat sickly/delicate and have a history of experimentation with Buddhism, pacifism, fundamentalism (of some kind or another,) and/or adolescent self-mutilative behaviors.  No higher education necessary, though applicants with public speaking experience will be more carefully considered.  Our martyr must be a go-getter, and be willing to go barefoot, shave his/her head, wear a loincloth, and face ridicule, shame, and possible imprisonment when necessary.  An ambivalence toward food and appetite and a downright disdain for sex preferred as well.

Responsibilities: The spiritual martyr will be required to appear publicly at any events he/she deems appropriate, write prolifically, and fast whenever something abhorrent or sacrilege is occurring in the universe.  There is a lot of room for creativity and growth in this position, so the management will not oversee your day-to-day operations.  We are hoping that the candidate we ultimately choose will have a sense of when it is appropriate to lead a march through the streets, lay down in front of army tanks, and release polemics.

Compensation/benefits: Immortality, though ironically, no healthcare.  Accommodations provided by way of a small hut located next to landfill in Newark, New Jersey.  Travel opportunities possible.

Please contact: americanspiritualmartyrjob@gmail.com.  Please include resume and manifesto IN THE BODY OF THE EMAIL.  Attachments will not be opened.  References from former therapists, philosophy professors, gurus, etc. appreciated.

More Genius

September 6, 2011

The Prada store in Marfa, Texas –– fully stocked, never open

Nobody Recognizes My Genius

August 31, 2011

Subtitle: So I’m Forced to Brag About it Myself

Pending Magazine Pitch:

Dear Editor,

Sorry for the unsolicited email, but ———– told me you’d be the right person to contact about this.  I am a writer and editor, currently employed at the ———- Publishers in SoHo.  Recently, I have been in contact with a travel group in the UK called The Adventurists –– theadventurists.com –– tag line: “Fighting to Make the World A Little Less Boring.”  Since 2001 (unofficially), The Adventurists have been leading races, the first being the Mongol Rally, a race from London to Mongolia in which each team drives a vehicle with an engine size under 1 liter.  Since then, they have added other adventures, including the Rickshaw Rally, which runs through India, the Africa Rally, and the Mototaxi Junket, which runs through Peru.  It’s kind of tourism that’s popular right now amongst the young and disaffected (think ex-bond traders) and the middle-aged and slightly bored –– those with the means to pay to take a big risk.

 

That’s the background.

 

In February, they’re doing a trial run of a new adventure, just named “Ice Run” –– a motorcycle (and sidecar) race 1500 kilometers across Siberia.  There will be probably sixteen participants, divided into teams of two.  They’ve invited me on to write about the experience if I can find a publication that would be interested in printing the story.  I haven’t yet decided on the arc of it yet, as I think that will determine itself.  I imagine it to be something like Ian Frazier documenting his travels in Siberia for The New Yorker (except instead of mosquitos there will be just snow and instead of a writer who won’t drink vodka with the natives there will be one who… well, will.)

 

I’ll admit straightaway: I’m a pipsqueak, both in a journalistic and physical sense.  I graduated from Columbia University in 2006 and the ————— Nonfiction Writing program in 2010.  I write book reviews for the blog Bookslut.com, bar reviews for New York Magazine, and my agent recently sent out my first book to publishing houses (fingers crossed.)  I have a blog, of course, but who doesn’t?  Physically, I am five foot nothing with blond hair and cute fingers, which my boyfriend says I will likely lose in my journey across the tundra.  But hey, I’ve worked for Anna Wintour and a terminally ill, tempestuous true crime writer.  I’ve hunted Burmese python in the Florida Everglades (true story.)  I think I can handle it.

 

If you’re at all interested or want further info (resume, clips, etc.), please be in touch.  I hope you’re having a lovely summer!

 

Sincerely,

ID

This Is Excellent Cinema

August 30, 2011

Sometimes technology is wack, but sometimes, like when you are haunted by a Lifetime flick you saw when you were a kid, specifically the scene in which Valerie Bertinelli fondles a piece of raw meat, it’s immensely gratifying.

Watch MURDER OF INNOCENCE.

Oh, and PS –– you’re welcome.

Unsatisfying Natural Disasters Lead to Poorly Written Blog Posts

August 28, 2011

I think I blog/write/do in order to keep from feeling idle, which brings forth in me a guilt almost impregnable.  The easiest way of not feeling idle, though, is if external forces make it so that you are participating in something without any real activity on your part.  This is perhaps why I was so thrilled that a hurricane was coming to my area this weekend.  (This the same week as an east coast earthquake –– TGIA = Thank G-d It’s the Apocalypse!)  My roommates and I shopped for supplies (read: liquor) and prepared the Netflix queue and sat in anxious anticipation.  Everythingelse –– blog posts, unfinished essays, existential crises, etc. –– would have to wait until after the storm.  But the storm, unfortunately, never came, and because of its absence the surge of motivation I wanted to do do do also never arrived.  I remain limp without a maelstrom outside to make me stand at attention.

So… here is what I was planning on saying before the storm:

My friend MH and I, much to the amusement of her husband, make lists every season of new clothing we would like, and this past list I wanted to cite a picture of Edie Sedgwick in which she wears a maxi silk (?) dress (gown?) that has sleeves so long they go over her hands, and yet even though I knew I had seen the picture before, I couldn’t find it for the life of me.  Until yesterday, when, biding time, I relapsed on an old addiction (Edie was someone I thought gorgeous when I was young and stylishly sad) and found exactly what I wanted:

 

She looks pretty badass, yes?  Unfortunately maxi dresses don’t look good on me, as I’m not a waif, but rather a miniature Barbie figure (according to my BF’s sister’s mother-in-law… awkward, I know.)

I straight up “stole” this picture from another blog (run by two teenagers –– I’m assuming –– whose handles are Sienna893 and LilStarGirl or something equally twee and egomaniacal) on which the administrator posted something really silly like, “Please don’t just take these pictures and reblog without giving credit, xoxo!”  You’re probably 14 years old and blogging pictures taken by photographers in the late sixties, and you’re claiming ownership?  Modern life is so sad and empty.

Speaking of sad and empty, one last Edie reference before I leave behind that adolescent fixation until… I am feeling bored and itchy yet again.

I want this necklace:

mybondageaccessories.shop.com