Dear Julia

November 16, 2015

I think I might have seen you before, but we only really met on Friday night.  Your mom was visiting, and you two got gently bullied into staying for shabbat dinner at the house where my husband and I were dining.  I disliked you for a second for being stereotypically French––tall, cool, casually beautiful––and perhaps you disliked me, too, for being any number of negative things I am.  My opinion changed quickly, as it became clear you are very sweet.  We played with the host’s kids, ate some really tender beef and chatted about the differences between Brits, Americans, and French people.  You said in France, there is no such thing as casual dating; we told you in America, all dating is casual.  You made a joke about being French and not drinking, and how all the golden boys at the financial institution where you work were always getting plastered; we took shots of vodka.  We were in that lovely shabbat bubble in which no one checks his or her phone, so we had no idea that back in your city, chaos was ensuing.  It probably started right as we finished singing grace after meals.  The next morning, when we learned what happened, I felt instantly sad that I didn’t know how to reach you.  I wanted to say I was so sorry, that I hoped everyone you loved was safe, that I wanted to help if you needed it.  But I don’t even know your last name.  I used to think it was gross to invoke the name of a tragedy that isn’t yours afterward, that it was more about bringing yourself closer to the blue heat of the flame than comforting anyone else.  Finding the most distant of acquaintances and checking up on them, re-tweeting pictures of the victims in memoriam, crying for the dead you don’t know.  Now I am older and kinder, and I know that people are good, really, and they just have to do something when their hearts are broken, even if that something seems like not so much at all.

So Many Conspiracy Theories

November 13, 2015

And you know what’s at the center of them all?  L. Ron.

So my husband suggested I read a Gawker/Jezebel article on a fancy Silver Lake, Los Angeles preschool’s insane drama (full text here.)  Naturally I Google the direct link so as to avoid scrolling through the depressingly vacuous stories on both sites, but that’s neither here nor there.  The Silver Lake preschool thing wasn’t exactly hard hitting––like, these aren’t problems, exactly––but was fascinating in a horrible sort of way.  Apparently the school is run by an egomaniacal do-gooder (they exist) who also has her own IMDB page (it is LA, after all.)  The past few years, she has lorded over Camelot Preschool (too easy) wearing Lululemon pants and a crown made of children’s tears (something like that.)  She also has her own line of maternity clothing, which she advertises as having been worn by “Jenna Elfman, Matt Damon’s wife Luciana Barroso, John Travolta’s wife Kelly Preston, Gillian Anderson…”  Notice anything fishy here?  That’s right––Scientology.  Nobody in Hollywood brings up Jenna Elfman and the Travolta family unless they’re prepared to be associated with everyone’s favorite thetan clearers.  And if I may say so, her inflated self image seems like it would really fit well with the whole OT Supreme Being thing.  As my husband said, “I almost want to comment and bring that up, but… I don’t care.”  All I care about is going on the record, so that when it comes out that this bitch is a Scientologist, I can say, “We told you so.”*

*The “we” because this is really all thanks to my husband, who first pointed out the Scientology connection.

Terrible Game Tuesday

November 10, 2015

Time for a new game: of these portraits of Victorian ladies, which ones were taken on psych wards and which ones are just, well, your average Victorian lady?

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unknownlady18

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(I could have kept going for ages, for the record.)

Email Siobhan for the answers!

Portable Padded Room!

November 8, 2015

LET IT BE KNOWN THAT ID NEVER ABANDONS A PROJECT!  NOT EVEN IN THE FACE OF PUBLIC RIDICULE, LEGAL THREATS OR CERTAIN DEATH!  (Okay, so maybe not that last one…)  For nearly four years now, I’ve pitched to everyone who would listen (my husband, my former boss, Jeff Stark of Nonsense NYC) my idea for a portable padded room, constructed of an old trailer of some kind.  On the side could be a big sign that reads, “For all your public nervous breakdown needs!” and the artist (that’d be me) could drive it around the city and invite the marching suits inside to have a good old fashioned freak out.

One minor problem with this plan: I have zero experience in construction.  Or design.  And I’m just an okay driver, but we’ll put that on the back burner for now.  As for the first two problems, I think my problem is solved, because I’ve recently discovered Danish creative director Jonas Hallberg’s genius tiny office.

Perfekt!

Perfekt!

Dear Jonas,

Will you please collaborate with me?  This project haunts my dreams; I shall not rest until the portable padded room is a reality.

Love,

ID

Is it just me

November 2, 2015

or does this immediately strike you as gross?

Screen Shot 2015-11-02 at 9.00.46 AMVia the Guardian, which I really didn’t think was porn, but maybe I’m wrong?

PS In my dream last night, a book reviewer called me “chubby” and then I was so upset that they (reviewer and whatever publication they were attached to, I guess?) offered me $1.1 million.  I was still upset, which should have been the clue that I was dreaming, because in real life I’d like be, “SO worth it!”

PPS

October 27, 2015

Okay, so apparently that Against Nature comparison is like, so obvious it’s embarrassing that I even mentioned it.  #dorkproblems

60%

October 27, 2015

You know when nothing in your life is going right, and so you feel justified in lying around and feeling sorry for yourself, maybe eating ice cream and drinking beer before noon?  (I once saw a guy in Vienna order that for breakfast, and I was in complete awe of him.)  Well, sometimes I think that might be better than when things in your life are going decently––like, it’s 60% cool––so you have no real reason to complain, but also nothing spectacular or even mildly weird is going on, so you’re a little… bored, maybe?  And you know it’s good––better to be bored than putting out fires left and right––but you can’t help but want to shake things up a little?  Maybe by accepting an invite to smoke opium and head on over to a world music fest at the apartment of dark, deranged Dorian Gray.

“At another time he devoted himself entirely to music, and in a long latticed room, with a vermilion-and-gold ceiling and walls of olive-green lacquer, he used to give curious concerts, in which mad gypsies tore wild music from little zithers, or grave yellow-shawled Tunisians plucked at the strained strings of monstrous lutes, while grinning negroes beat monotonously upon copper drums, and, crouching upon upon scarlet mats, slim turbaned Indians blew through long pipes of reed or brass, and charmed, or feigned to charm, great hooded snakes and horrible horned adders.  The harsh intervals and shrill discords of barbaric music stirred him at times when Schubert’s grace, and Chopin’s beautiful sorrows, and the mighty harmonies of Beethoven himself, fell unheeded on his ear.  He collected together from all parts of the world the strangest instruments that could be found, either in the tombs of dead nations or among the few savage tribes that have survived contact with Western civilizations, and loved to touch and try them.  He had the mysterious juruparis of the Rio Negro Indians, that women are not allowed to look at, and that even youths may not see till they have been subjected to fasting and scourging, and the earthen jars of the Peruvians that have the shrill cries of birds, and flutes of human bones such as Alfonso de Ovalle heard in Chili, and the sonorous green jaspers that are found near Cuzco and give forth a note of singular sweetness.  He had painted gourds filled with pebbles that rattled when they were shaken; the long clarin of the Mexicans, into which the performer does not blow but through which he inhales the air; the harsh ture of the Amazon tribes, that is sounded by the sentinels who sit all day long in high trees, and can be heard, it is said, at a distance of three leagues; the teponaztli, that has two vibrating tongues of wood, and is beaten with sticks that are smeared with an elastic gum obtained from the milky juice of plants; the yotl-bells of the Aztecs, that are hung in clusters like grapes; and a huge cylindrical drum, covered with the skins of great serpents, like the one that Bernal Diaz saw when he went with Cortes into the Mexican temple, and of whose doleful sound he has left us so vivid a description.  The fantastic character of these instruments fascinating him, and he felt a curious delight in the thought that Art, like Nature, has her monsters, things of bestial shape and with hideous voices.  Yet, after some time, he wearied of them, and would sit in his box at the Opera, either alone or with Lord Henry, listening to rapt pleasure to Tannhauser, and seeing in the prelude to that great work of art a presentation of the tragedy of his own soul.”

This reminds me of the scene in I Heart Huckabees when that Spanish woman is singing a song about the drought that ravaged her community.  Or about the time seven years ago when I wanted to ask a friend of a friend if her boyfriend, who was a Hare Krishna, could hold a be-in at our apartment.  Now that friend of a friend is dead of a heroin overdose.  Ain’t life absurd?

Postscript: Is it just me, or was Oscar Wilde crushing up pages of A Rebours and snorting them while writing The Picture of Dorian Gray?

This Was the Aesthetic!

October 21, 2015

Guys, remember when I had my psychic dream?  THIS is what we were wearing.

Groovy.

Groovy.

Great. Fucking. Title.

October 20, 2015

PLACEBO

No can do.  I am

doctor not of medicine,

but Latinity.

I am the future,

singular, indicative.

The first person.  What

do you take me for?

If is a real condition.

If I’m a pill, then

you are double blind.

What you don’t know can’t hurt you.

Spoonful of sugar,

it’s all in your head,

this dendritic alchemy

of pain.  Nothing works.
~A. E. Stallings

Meringue Hat

October 19, 2015

I really should have a category called Whimsical Haberdashery, but I think I might be done adding categories.  I mean, at a certain point, expansion becomes procrastination, no?  Speaking of procrastination, I wanted to work today, but I went to a family wedding last night so I was tired and lazy and ended up watching a lot of (really good) movies and eating an entire medium pizza by myself.  A day that sounds funny in the context of a Girls episode––millennials, they’re so stupid and yet witty!––but is actually just kind of sad in real life.  But you know what isn’t sad?  This drawing of a meringue hat, which I told my husband I wanted the other day.  It was done by Will Cotton, my new art crush.  Will, can you make me one of these IRL?  Great, thankssomuch.

Meringue_Hat_2008