Archive for the ‘Lists’ Category

What Does Your Brain Look Like?

March 14, 2012

A long time ago, I asked a bunch of people a question authored by my bestest friend, KM: “What does your brain look like?”  I gave a few examples, from a few people:

KM, Special Education teacher: “My brain looks like a mediocre Christmas after you’ve opened all the presents and there’s wrapping papers and empty boxes everywhere and you didn’t get anything great.”

KS, Lady of Leisure: “My brain looks like an office with all rows of file cabinets and everything is neat, clean and organized.”

Me, Phenomenologist and Bibliotherapist: “My brain looks like the Wailing Wall –– a giant stone monolith representing centuries of loss with notes to God stuck in every crevice.”

The survey prompted some pretty hilarious and interesting answers.  Below are the best ones:

AM, Musician and Animation Artist: My Brain looks like the Strand Bookstore. There’s a shitload of useless and often inaccessible information but a great collection of art books and vintage porn.

SS, food writer: On days when I feel sad my brain looks like a steaming heap of chop suey. When I feel chipper, I think it looks like the string section of an orchestra playing Stars and Stripes–not because I’m overly patriotic but because fingers and bows would be moving frenetically. On fire

KH, business student: My brain looks like a cat playing with an ipad.

EC, Merchandise Manager/Buyer: [My brain] is pink and squishy and there are some lost socks floating around, and dates from my AP Euro History class about when the Defenestration of Prague was, and memories of the houses I lived in when I was a kid. There’s a brightly lit section in the front (with those lights around backstage makeup mirrors or marquees) where there are good ideas and funny jokes.  Then, of course, there’s a section at the bottom of my skull that looks very serious yet primitive that monitors my breathing and basic functions.

NZ, “glorified assistant/secretary”: Bright, bright sunshine and then two distinct area: cliffs (the kind that you walk out to the edge and there is only two feet of rock then hundreds of feet of nothingness, fields of wildflowers, mainly violets and daises… but the ground itself is always covered in thick, clean, kelly-green grass.

EA, Blogger/Web Designer: My brain looks like a cube that continues on into space ad infinitum, striving for clear corners, but realizing those oceans are vast.

SG, book editor: My brain looks like the tennis court complex on Randall’s Island. It’s a dome-like building with industrial barrenness creeping in on the edges. It contains anxious mothers, former almost-greats, and small children with fancy rackets, who really just want to go home and read a book until they fall asleep.

HS-D, writer: My brain is a family of subterranean ponds, tied together by rocky little rivers.

TV, film student: My brain looks like the bargain bin at small town department store. Mostly filled with crap, but if you dig around, might find something totally worth the $1.50 price-tag.

JF, marketing and advertising director: My brain is a refrigerator that hasn’t been cleaned out in a while.  There’s always fresh produce in there, but you’re just as likely to find expired foods that I should throw away (but I wont, because I keep convincing myself that I’ll eat them tomorrow).  Also, you’ll have a hard time finding whatever you’re looking for because it’s always in the back and there’s a bunch of junk food between you and the gourmet stuff.

MW-L, psychology student: My brain looks like an attic with items of all shapes and sizes draped in sheets.

My Dad, Managing Director of a bank (I think): I picture [my brain] as a small town in the midwest someplace. Different lights on a different times of the day until late at night where there is only 1 place open, but it is really happening.

LE, Energy-Related Product Developer: [My brain is] open fields, rainbows, and naked people running around singing a cappella. also, there’s probably some soccer being played.

IS, brother and art critic: The inside of my brain looks like a record player on fire sitting atop a coffee table on an empty central California coast beach on one side, and on the other a fluorescent-lit room with infinite rows of birch-wood tables disappearing into the orthogonal horizon with an infinite number of identical hardcover black books open atop these tables, in which typing manifests itself and subsequently erases itself after thirty seconds (the erasing trailing the writing by 500 words or so). Orderly but amnesiac on one side; radical, destructive, carnal and hedonistic on the other in a burning, naturalistic solitude.

SA, fashion buyer: [My brain is] a thunderstorm — steady rain with sporadic bolts of lightning.

EH, non-profit assistant: My brain looks like a vast outdoor green expanse with intermittent trees and misty air, and I get lost in the spaces between the trees.

LB, bartender and architectural preservationist: [My brain looks like] a vast ocean filled with creatures yet discovered and sunken ships long forgotten. Basically, it’s filled with a lot of facts and memories that I can’t recall and some things that are too strange for public consumption.

GB, composer: [My brain is] a very large clean rectangular room, bright yet warmly lit, high ceilings, hardwood floors, white walls. Floor to ceiling windows on 2 sides. No doors, nothing hanging on the walls, nothing in the room. Things manifest in the middle of the room as needed, and then disappear when I’m done with them. There’s a perpetual dusk-like luminescence, as if the day is always almost over.

PO, drummer and my actual brother: My brain looks like veal – purposely stunted.

DC, copywriter: My brain looks like the ball pit at a children’s play place, but not the one at McDonalds. Also, there’s pizza.

MZ-H, Business Development for Sustainable Energy: [My brain] looks like a vintage 1970s psychedelic floral polyester shirt. The seams and the pattern are intact.  The colors, though vivid, are starting to starting run.

EK, Junior Specialist at an Art Auction House: I feel like my brain looks like the Wall Street trading floor, about 15 minutes after the closing bell has rung, with pieces of paper scrawled with words like “coffee” and “sugar” scattered like confetti on the floor.

GS, Assistant to a Cultural Attache: My brain is a witch’s cauldron or a magic hat  –– I pull things out but I have no idea what’s really going on there… images appear when conjured and sometimes, if I add the right amount of newt eye and chant magic words, I gain insight.

Reasons Why I’m Posting A Random Funny Picture

March 13, 2012

1. I drank two glasses of wine and ergo cannot write anything of value (I wanted to put every word of that in quotes –– overly quoting I find actually side-splitting hilarious these days, which… )

2. I am full because I –– get this –– after my drinks date went to get a piece of pizza, ate it as I walked to the subway, rode the subway home, on the way decided I STILL WANTED PIZZA, and then got another slice in my neighborhood on my way to my house.

3. Melancholy Mondays

4. Still feeling a little raw from being burned by Vice

5. It’s hard to concentrate with Law and Order in the background.

4. I have actual work to do.  Sheesh, you think all I do is write down genius one-liners, think about schadenfreude and eat pizza?  I’m a multitalented multitasker (that’s my rap name, actually.)

A funny picture:

By the way, the categorization of this as “It Could Be Worse…” refers to reader’s comparing him/herself to me.  It could be worse, Nabokovian reader.  You could be pathologically obsessed with pizza.

Random Thoughts: Sunday Blues Edition

March 11, 2012

1. I resent the nice weather for making me feel bad about doing nothing today.

2. A good insult to someone you’ve recently met would be: “I wish I could write off my impression of you as a douche bag as an  uneducated judgment on my part, but unfortunately, I’m pretty sure I’m right.”

3. If suicide is cowardly, why, when someone manages to do it, do they call him/her “successful”?

What I’m Doing Over the Weekend

March 9, 2012

… a la a lot of nauseatingly cute lifestyle blogs that focus on pics taken on iPhones, recipes for organic homemade pinatas, and other examples-of-why-the-blogger-is-better-than-you-are.  (A curious many of said blogs, I’ve realized as of late, are written by Mormons?)

DISCLAIMER: I may actually do none of this shit and instead sit on my ass and think about pizza.

Saturday:

Wake up

Take much-needed shower

Eat an enormous brunch, preferably involving eggs

Go visit the Armory Show (see below)

To quote Frank McCourt, "Tis."

Play, and win, at ping pong

Convince boyfriend to go out for a nice Mediterranean dinner

” ” to dance at the local dive, described by one reviewer as “Cleveland circa 1973″

” ” to give me piggyback home

Sleep

Sunday:

Wake up

Eat bagels

See boyfriend off

Mope about boyfriend’s departure

Read, with a strange glee, The Leftovers, which is about inconsolable loss, cults, and broken marriages

Decide which of two sad movies will be better to combat Sunday Blues: the one described as “tightly structured” and “compelling” or the one described as “a terrifying, delirious exercise.”

Finish letter to Marina Abramovic (mum’s the word on this, for the moment.)

Finish The Leftovers

Sleep

Have nightmares.

Things I Would Like To Write About

February 10, 2012

Part of me wants to outline in detail all my pitches here in the hopes that Hamish Bowles or Sally Singer or Sam Tanenhaus or someone editorial at Harper’s will stumble across it and give me mad dough to research all these things, but as that’s unlikely to happen, I will instead give snippets and keep the meat of the ideas for a rainy day.

1. A small Arab bookseller in Jerusalem

2. An ill-fated cult leader in Texas

3. A mysterious grave in Recoleta Cemetery in Buenos Aires

4. The ashram of the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, today

5. Going off anti-depressants –– forever

6. And, of course, this:

Hands on a Hardbody, the new musical by Pulitzer Prize winner Doug Wright, Amanda Green and Phish band member Trey Anastasio, will have its world premiere at the La Jolla Playhouse beginning April 27, 2012.

La Jolla Playhouse commissioned the musical based on the 1997 documentary film of the same title about a small-town endurance contest to win a hardbody truck. The musical received a private New York City reading in April.

Neil Pepe (Speed-the-Plow) and Benjamin Millipied (Black Swan), who directed and choreographed the readings, respectively, will return for the La Jolla production that will run through June 10, 2012, in the Mandell Weiss Theatre.

Hands on a Hardbody has a book by Wright (I Am My Own Wife), with a score by composer-lyricist Green (High Fidelity, Bring It On) and Grammy-nominated composer Anastasio.

According to La Jolla, “When an auto dealership in Longview, TX launches an endurance contest, ten economically-strapped strangers embark on a journey that puts their hearts, minds and bodies to the test. The contestant who keeps at least one hand on a brand-new hardbody truck the longest gets to drive it off the lot. What initially seems like a mere publicity stunt soon becomes a soul-baring battle of wills. Only one can win, but for all involved, the truck holds the key to their own private American dream.”

People Who Have Their Own Action Figures

February 9, 2012

(And NOT the obvious ones.)

Kurt Cobain

 

Jesus.

 

JSB

 

Ben Franklin

 

Walter and the Dude.

 

"America's Rabbi" Shmuley Boteach

 

Cheech and Chong (though I guess this one is kind of obvious.)

 

Sylvia Plath –– okay, so this is a paper doll, but you'll forgive me this transgression, won't you? Don't make me use that oven.

 

FLAUBERT!

 

LITTLE EDIE!

America's Most Famous Librarian, Nancy Pearl

 

FREUD!

 

WARHOL!

 

Pocket ID!

 

 

New Lows I Have Reached Recently

February 8, 2012

In the past two weeks I have:

1. Injured my shoulder while SLEEPING

2. Taken a nap during my lunch hour at my boss’ house

3. Not even bothered to hide the Vanity Fair I was flipping through while sitting at my desk

4. Thoughtlessly forwarded an email in which I copped to ogling diamond rings to my boyfriend (who is a champion and only made fun of me for 5 minutes)

5. Touted my own email writing skills (“Seriously, I write the most charming emails.”)

6. Ate two bagels in the course of 15 minutes.

7. Drank a sake bomb (though it took me wayyyy more gulps than it did in college)

8. Read all of three pages of Anna Karenina –– this wall is brutal!  Help me get through it!  I must finish!

9. Stayed in bed until 3 PM –– twice

10. Put my foot in my mouth at least three times –– once when I called the idea for liquor-infused baked goods “gross” in front of a girl who just made them, and once when I made some joke about Staten Island in front of a girl from there.  The first statement I totally retract.  Guinness-infused cupcakes with cream cheese frosting are delicious, so thank you for proving my dumbass self wrong.  The second statement I don’t really take back.  Staten Island is kind of wack, and she was a little too snippy with me even after I told her she could make fun of me for being from Connecticut.  LOTS of material there, I promise you.

You Understand Me, Right?

February 7, 2012

You probably know what my “wheelhouse” is by now (thanks, beloved boyfriend, for the term.)  It includes (but is not limited to) the following: abandoned buildings, hasidic Jews, anything French, obscure or debatable mental illnesses, A&E’s Monday night schadenfraude line-up, little blond female icons in literature who remind me of myself, very small communities (particularly islands), playful works of art, hotel bars, Harold Pinter, black cats, “hotlines,” people who have committed suicide (subcategory: DFW) and impossibly short poems.

A marriage of two loves, then: a very, very short poem found on the blog of Daul Kim, a model who committed suicide at age 20 three years ago and whose blog, I Like to Fork Myself, of course outlives her:

say hi to friday night

we didnt acheive

anything

on friday night.

Neither did I, Daul.  Neither did I.

RIP.

List Thursday

January 20, 2012

Mythical Creatures I Think Are Frontrunners to Succeed Zombies and Vampires As Protagonists in YA-Novel/Spin-off-Movie-Long Allegories of Sexual Frustration

Satyrs

Sirens

Succubi

Incubi

Faeries (but only the kind with an “e”)

Leprechauns

Unicorns (not high on the list –– too obviously phallic)

Mermaids

Genies

Gremlins

Sasquatches

Centaurs

Changelings

Cyclops

Doppelgangers (evil twins)

gnomes (remember David?!)

Phoenixes

Griffins

Goblins

Abominable Snowmen

Pixies

Shades

Quetzalcoatl

Muses (a la Olivia Newton-John in Xanadu)

Callitrix (an ape that always gives birth to twins, one it loves and one it hates –– also called a Hodag)

Oompa Loompas

Pegaeae (spring nymphs)

Psychai (Psyche’s babies)

Shedim (“chicken-legged demons”)

Poltergeists (which are specifically mischievous ghosts who move things)

Titans

Trolls

Valkyries

Menehune (Twenty bucks if you can name a television sitcom from the 80s/90s that featured menehune in an episode)

Banshees

Changelings

The Montauk Monster

Cretan Bulls

 

*Sidenote –– if you are ever bored and want to do something amusing, read Wikipedia’s alphabetical list of “Legendary Creatures.”  It is clear from reading this list that Japanese people are the craziest motherfuckers because back in the day when there weren’t things like science and Christopher Hitchens and people had to make up mystical things for fun and explanation, the Japanese made up hands down the most bizarre beings.  My favorite is definitely “Uma-no-ashi: a horse’s leg that dangles from a tree and kicks passersby.”

Joan Vs. Joan

November 20, 2011

As my newest obsession these days is Joan of Arc, I decided to engage in a little pitting: former icon vs. current icon.

Both in 3/4 profile!

Reasons why Joan Didion and Joan of Arc are the same:

1. Short haircuts

2. fixed on her “native land”

3. “waifish” figures

4. statuses as icons to melancholy young women with a strong sense of thanatos

5. One degree (in a Kevin Bacon six degree-esque way) from Otto Preminger

Reasons why Joan Didion and Joan of Arc are different

1. Presumably at one point in her life Joan Didion menstruated

2. Joan Didion had a child (though technically neither one bore a child)

3. “[Natasha Richardson’s] first marriage, to the producer Robert Fox, had taken place in my apartment.  She had filled the room with quince blossoms for the ceremony.”

4. Only one led one’s country to military victory

5. Technically, only one Joan has been canonized.