Itinerantdaughter's Blog

Guide to Being Fashionably Late

July 11, 2012

In a small break from Yayoiyama!: All Polka Dots All The Time!, we here at ID present you with a necessary tutorial, put together with the help of our friend Dumbo Domestic (no, she’s not an elephant):

The Guide to Being Fashionably Late

Here in New York City, one often hears people talk about being “fashionably late.” But how late, exactly, is fashionably late, and how late is just plain rude? Below is a rough guide, by events, of how long past the stroke of whatever you can show up:

Weddings: Usually wedding ceremonies have a cocktail hour or something of the like beforehand. Consult the invitation. If no cocktail hour is listed, then aim for 10 minutes late max, otherwise you have to endure the supreme awkwardness of trying to reach your seat by walking stealthily behind the flower girl.

Engagement parties: 15-20 minutes

Dinner parties –– at a home: 15 minutes

Dinners –– at a restaurant: 15 minutes

Cocktail party –– where you are one of more than 15 guests: 45 minutes

Cocktail party –– where are you are one of fewer than 15 guests: 30 minutes

Doctor’s appointment: 5 minutes

Funeral: These rarely start on time, but in the name of propriety, my guess would be 20 minutes.

Block parties: 1 hour

Outdoor movie screenings: 20 minutes

Indoor movie screenings –– if you like previews: 5 minutes

Indoor movie screenings –– if you don’t give a shit about previews: 15 minutes

Seances: 10 minutes

Interventions: 10 minutes, unless Jeff VanVonderen is running it, in which case FIVE MINUTES EARLY

Diner en Blanc: 25 minutes

PS 1 Pop Rallies: 30 minutes

Ballet, symphony, or theatrical productions: 5 minutes tops, otherwise you have to watch on that dopey little TV screen

Dance class: 5 minutes, otherwise the teacher embarrasses you in front of your peers

Jury duty: 10 minutes, because they really don’t start exactly on time even when they say they do

A business meeting: 5 minutes

A book launch party: 30 minutes

Comedy Show: 10 minutes, lest you get heckled

Your bail hearing: 0 minutes

Will certainly add to this as time goes on. Open to suggestions, as well.

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Yayoi!

July 10, 2012

I have affection for almost all voluntary mental patients, so Yayoi Kusama, the Japanese artist who has lived in a psychiatric institution for over forty years now, has a special place in my heart. The show that was recently at the Tate and threatens to burst into New York shortly I saw, in fact, at the Pompidou back in November. The art was interesting, of course –– all dots and phalluses –– but the best part were the cautionary signs translated (poorly) from French that read, “Warning: some work in this show may hurt the public’s feelings.”

Yayoi has now come back as a sort of belated art-world darling, even –– and this is almost too good to be true –– collaborating with Marc Jacobs on a line for Louis Vuitton. My two top Yayoi-related wishes are to own the below or a copy of one of her “strange cathartic novels” such as The Hustlers Grotto of Christopher Street.

I bet it costs about $1 million.

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Nemesis

July 10, 2012

I saw that this girl I hate (but secretly want to be, even though I know next to nothing about her) had a byline in the Times and it reopened the wound I incurred when she failed to respond to me re: a writing project some months ago. Guess I shouldn’t have made a cum joke in my introduction email to The Paris Review?

In other news, I have somehow ended up with two copies of R. Kelly’s autobiography entitled Soula Coaster: The Story of Me.

Posted in Conspiracy Theories, I Hate Writing, Things I Love That I Go to Inappropriate Lengths to Track Down | Leave a Comment »

Me, Wishing I Were Nora Ephron

July 6, 2012

Articles Written Every Five Years With Different Titles But the Same Conclusions:

“Can Women Have It All?”
“Racism Still Exists in America!”

“Is This The Secret to Happiness?”
“Orthodox Jews Must Get Really Hot in All That Clothing”
“The Marriage Seemed Perfect, But It Was All a Lie”

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Happy 4th!

July 4, 2012

The sentiments/words of wisdom expressed in the below pieces feel very American to me (as in, written by Americans, for Americans).

Taken at the Armory Show. That’s all the credit I can give.

What did you do on your 4th? I went to the beach –– where I re-read all of Night and surreptitiously cried while tow-headed children shrieked at the tide coming in. Oh yes, I am very dark.

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Things You Can Do At Open Mike

July 2, 2012

At the Chulent gathering in Brooklyn, which is a party for religious folks “off the derech,” as they say, everyone is given time to, according to their email, do any of the following:

” … rant, compliment, soothe, explain, sing, read a poem, read a product label, remain silent – in protest or otherwise, be silly, be serious, tell a joke, perform a magic trick, sermonize, scream at Isaac, address your congressman, address your peers, address your letters, ask a question, ask an answer, play an instrument, show your art, impersonate someone infamous, do bird calls, catcalls, phony phone calls, show the correct way to eat a chicken wing, tell us how you would solve the problem of poverty, peace on earth, the Jewish question, demonstrate how put your best foot forward etc.”

I don’t know about poverty but I can maybe try to impersonate someone infamous

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Three Easily Confused Movies

July 2, 2012

Don’t get caught looking poorly-versed in film! A guide to your cine-Cowboys.

Urban Cowboy stars John Travolta and features Debra Winger gyrating atop a mechanical bull.

Drugstore Cowboy was directed by Gus Van Sant and stars Matt Dillon as a junkie.

Midnight Cowboy features the fucking goofiest, Jon Voigt, as a cowboy turned prostitute.

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Woah

June 28, 2012

Remember Justin Guarini of 1st season of American Idol fame? He has a one man show now called From Idol to Broadway (bad, bad title) at Joe’s Pub in New York City.

Justin Guarini’s new show “From Idol to Broadway” captures the world-class entertainer’s journey from the days of paying his dues, to skyrocketing to fame on the inaugural season of American Idol, and right through to his first of many bows on Broadway. A funny and touching look at what makes an entertainer who has carved out niches in radio, film, television, theatre, and music tick, join Justin for a blend of hilarious and sobering stories from the road, popular music that covers virtually every genre, and a voice that captivates audiences night after night.

Sidenote: doesn’t Justin Guarini circa AI look like Sideshow Bob?

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Last Night In My Dream

June 27, 2012

… I simply didn’t show up to work one day and then was trying to brainstorm a nervous breakdown –– not really fake, per se, but cultivate.

Also, this $745 pom pom hat played a big role, which was… weird.

by Lanvin. Please note this post is not categorized as “buy me this.”

Posted in Fashion Blogging for Toddlers, Image Craving, SORRY TO TELL YOU A DREAM | Leave a Comment »

RIP Nora

June 27, 2012

A list originally published in The Huffington Post (or, I guess, ON The Huffington Post.)

25 THINGS PEOPLE HAVE A SHOCKING CAPACITY TO BE SURPRISED BY OVER AND OVER AGAIN

1. Journalists sometimes make things up.

2. Journalists sometimes get things wrong.

3. Almost all books that are published as memoirs are initially written as novels, and then the agent/editor says, this might work better as a memoir.

4. Beautiful young women sometimes marry ugly, old rich men.

5. In business, there is no such thing as synergy in the good sense of the term.

6. Freedom of the press belongs to the man who owns one.

7. Nothing written in today’s sports pages makes sense to anyone who didn’t read yesterday’s sports pages.

8. There is no explaining the stock market but people try.

9. The Democrats are deeply disappointing.

10. Movies have no political effect whatsoever.

11. High-protein diets work.

12. A lot of people take the Bible literally.

13. Pornography is the opiate of the masses.

14. You can never know the truth of anyone’s marriage, including your own.

15. People actually sign pre-nuptial agreements.

16. Mary Matalin and James Carville are married.

17. Muslims hate us.

18. Everybody lies.

19. The reason why it’s important for a Democrat to be President is the Supreme Court.

20. Howard Stern is apparently very nice in person.

21. In Manhattan a small one-bedroom apartment that needs work costs $1 million.

22. People look like their dogs.

23. Cary Grant was Jewish.

24. Cary Grant wasn’t Jewish.

25. Larry King has never read a book.

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