Itinerantdaughter's Blog

PISSED, Part II

July 16, 2012

You know when you get really annoyed by certain things that you KNOW shouldn’t annoy you, but you can’t shake the feeling that you want to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT? Here are my two gripes for the day:

1. So sometimes I look on Craigslist for jobs, and I’ll usually look under “writing jobs” and “writing gigs.” Very frequently people post unpaid internships under the JOBS section, even though it just seems logical that something that is unpaid cannot, by virtue of it being not compensated, be a job.

2. Perez Hilton. I know, I know: what in the name of Michael K. would be the point of getting pissed at Perez? I have decided that as he has lost weight, he’s become a more superficial and less interesting blogger/person, probably. I dislike intensely his lack of knowledge of basic psychology and his picking favorites among the Hollywood community and planting kissy emoticons on their pictures every time he posts about them. (Interestingly enough, his favorites are my least favorites, including most notably Katy Perry.)

Re: the psychology issue, see the below post on Demi Moore:

Holy shiz!

We knew Demi Moore’s relationship with her three daughters was strained, but we didn’t know it was THIS bad!

As we previously reported, Demi’s daughters Rumer, Scout and Tallulah have pretty much cut off all contact with their mother after a series of fights.

Now, it sounds like the girls are thinking about cutting off their own mother even more — by getting a RESTRAINING order against her!

A source spilled:

“Demi has been calling them incessantly and emailing them, leaving them tearful messages and begging them to call her and the girls are sick of it. It is a really drastic measure and not something they are considering lightly but they just feel like they want some peace and quiet.”

Wow! Life is WAY too short for something so drastic, girls…!

However, it sounds like it’ll take a whole lot more than phone calls to slap their mom with a restraining order!

A legal expert stated:

“You can’t get a restraining order against your mom when she’s trying to call you. If that were the case, many, many more people would all be in court!”

As for Demi, it sounds like she isn’t taking the separation from her kids too well. Moore is said to be “absolutely devastated” and distraught over the whole situation.

We don’t blame her! We would be, too.

This is such an unfortunate circumstance all around.

—

While the legal expert has a good point, the fact remains that Perez is poo-pooing the girls’ attempts to distance themselves from their mom when it’s obvious as a can of whipped cream to the head that she’s all kinds of fucked up, and watching ONE episode of Intervention with Jeff VanVonderen would teach a person that sometimes the best thing you can do is cut off your addicted loved one. Sheesh.

If I could, I would abandon (see the connection?) my job, sell my possessions, and travel the world spreading the JVV gospel, all the while wearing a t-shirt with this graphic on it.

Posted in Conspiracy Theories, I Hate Writing, Image Craving, Lists | Leave a Comment »

PISSED

July 16, 2012

I feel shitty, but I think I have only myself to blame –– I compiled a list of quotes from the Haredi anti-Internet asifa pamphlet that were actually pretty legit, and my friend told me to submit it to Harper’s (after McSweeney’s rejected me –– again!) and I dragged my feet a little out of nervousness, and lo and behold! They did it on their own. But I think theirs was a straight quote, whereas mine are carefully selected, and will be the basis of an essay/maybe thesis?/maybe book: Useful Lessons to Be Learned From Religious Fanatics.

25 Quotes from the Asifa Pamphlet “Challenge of Our Times” That Make Semi-Legit Points

“Many people convince themselves that they need Internet access, but if they would honestly assess the reasons that they are connected to the internet, they would realize that they could get by without it.”

“But today, even the most innocent looking children, from the best families, may have access to the worst images imaginable.”

“In addition, a determined child (or adult) can figure out a way to work around a filter so that he (or she) can get to the inappropriate material, or he can stumble on the password for the filter and disable it.”

“Make no mistake about it: today’s challenge in many ways is the most difficult in history. Certainly, if we don’t recognize the challenge for what it is and do something about it, it threatens to sweep us away like a tsunami. Yes, that challenge is the Internet –– the easy connectivity we have to the world, including its worst influences.”

“The Internet has already wended its way into our daily lives, into our conscience, and it is no longer possible simply uproot it from our midst.”

“The Internet not only exposes things going on around the world, but also creates virtual realities that do not exist anywhere else.”

“When a parent sits down to supper with one hand holding the fork and the other his smartphone, from which he cannot unglue his eyes, that parent may be sitting with the family in a technical sense, but the children realize they are technology orphans.”

“The [Internet] encourages some to display their knowledge, others their sense of humor, and yet others their ability to mock authority. The irreverent attitude is all-pervasive. And since no one knows who you are, there is nothing to worry about, no one to be embarrassed of.”

“In a very literal sense, all of the vices humans have uncovered over the millennia are now attacking internet users daily, jumping out at them from the screen and in many cases going on to determine their personal lives.”

“The Internet nurtures irreverence.”

“The Internet gives every individual his or her say, and that is both its strength and its weakness.”

“On the Internet an accomplished scholar with years of experience can post an authoritative exposé on his area of expertise, only to have someone with not the slightest background in that subject reject the entire edifice with a single derisive comment.”

“The constantly changing text, the stream of images that flit by, the ever-present additional links beckoning to explore new horizons, and the constant stream of information floods the mind.”

“Although the Internet provides its users with a feeling of freedom, a sense of euphoria at having the world at his fingertips, it is no more than an illusion.”

“The rise of social networking, blogs, chat groups and even texting all threaten to destroy the traditional relationships that are still so vital to our societal wellbeing. Family and friends are forgotten as people come to rely more and more on the companionship and approval of their virtual counterparts.”

“Bloggers develop split personalities, drifting through life like robots while their true emotions are bound to the ethereal friendships they have developed for their digitalized companions. By filling our emotional ‘stomachs’ with the ‘junk food’ of Internet society, we are stunting our appetite for the healthy relationships our psyche truly crave.”

“The element of anonymity that the Internet allows people to bypass the natural, inborn shame they would normally feel when involved in inappropriate behavior.”

“The ‘instant’ mentality where everything has to be accomplished with dizzying speed can permeate our actions in multiple areas. We lose our patience; our tempers get shorter.”

“Additionally, the medium of e-mail leaves the intended tone of the writer to the reader’s imagination.”

“One of the ubiquitous themes of the Internet is: You.”

“This means that instead of carrying out whatever task he is supposed to be doing, a typical worker will instead check his e-mail, send text messages, receive cell phone calls, send instant messages, check blogs, and ‘Google’ things.”

“Information shared on ‘social networks’ can be mistakenly viewed as private (‘only my Friends can see it’) or semi-private, but in reality just by being a part of these communities, we sacrifice a certain level of privacy.”

“Forgetting can be helpful: it helps us forgive people, it helps us deal with emotional pain and trauma, and it de-clutters our mind from useless details. But the Internet has the potential to interfere with that process, bringing up old memories and not letting us move on from the past.”

“On the Internet, you are lulled into a sense of security by the illusion that no one can know who you are. The truth is, your computer’s unique IP address is easily tracked by almost any website and anyone who knows a thing or two about computers.”

“The Internet may greatly facilitate real learning and research, but it doesn’t provide a short-cut to substitute for the process of learning in-depth.”

—-

Eat your heart out, Lewis Lapham.

Posted in Conspiracy Theories, I Hate Writing, Lists, Things I Love That I Go to Inappropriate Lengths to Track Down | Leave a Comment »

New Job For Me

July 13, 2012

My boyfriend and I are putting together a celebrity death pool (details TBA) and so I’ve been doing some research on existing death pools out there, and the most clever name I’ve seen so far is the Lee Atwater Invitational, which apparently has these rules (among others):

1. You may write in any name that’s not on that list and it will be submitted to The stiffs.com Fame Committee. If 15% or more of the Committee Members can positively identify a write-in candidate by NAME ALONE, that name will be ruled Famous. If less than 15% can ID a name to the satisfaction of The Commissioner, that candidate will be ruled Not Famous.

2. Any candidate ruled Not Famous by the Committee is disqualified for the duration of this game. Disqualified names will NOT be replaced by alternates and all rulings by the Committee are FINAL.

A little explanation of the Committe:

Somehow, we have to draw a line between who’s gonna count in this game (Famous) and who isn’t (Not Famous). It ain’t easy. Everyone has a different idea of who should be called famous. Once upon a time, we thought we’d found the answer in the online version of the Associated Press. Here was a reliable, nearly immediate source of news with an international scope. And the line it drew was so clear-cut — news of a death either made the AP, or it didn’t. Our needs seemed to be completely covered. Too completely, it turned out. The damned thing covers almost everybody who ever had a job. We spent a year or more trying to tweak it by adding exceptions, and categorizing stories, and complicating the whole process, and it still didn’t work for us. Why? Because even more than we want complete objectivity, we want this game to be about really famous people. Not newsworthy people — not accomplished people — celebrities. Less than people, in other words. We were getting further and further into amateur geologists and Bosnian ping-pong players, and it’s just no fun making fun of people you never heard of before you did a search on liver cancer. So, we’ve given up on the notion of total objectivity and we’ve assembled (drum roll) The stiffs.com Fame Committee (a.k.a. the FC). Back to basics, boys and girls. We no longer give a crap about the Associated Press or who’s related to who, or what defines an obituary — all that stuff is history. Here’s why.

First, you need to understand that for us, Fame = Name Recognition, pretty much. They’re virtually the same thing, as far as we’re concerned. If you look at a photo and think, “I know that guy, he’s from that chicken commercial,” but you don’t know what his name is, that’s not a celebrity. If a person has made enough news stories, or talk-show appearances, or bad pop songs to have an identity that’s conveyed merely by the mention of his or her name, that person is considered (by us) to be famous. Each and every one of the 1900-odd names listed in The stiffs.com Select-O-Matic (don’t worry, you’ll get there) is guaranteed to be what we consider famous. You should recognize some of ‘em, even if you’re an idiot. We tried to include as many of the most likely Dead Pool candidates as we could, but of course, there’s no way we got ‘em all. We didn’t expect to. So, if you have a famous name you’d like to enter that isn’t there, you may include that name on your list as a write-in candidate. After all the lists are in, write-in names will be sent to the FC, and each will be deemed either Famous (included in the game) or Not Famous (stricken from your list), and that’ll be that. The stiffs.com Fame Committee reigns supreme.

So, what is this Committee we keep talking about, and how exactly does it work? Kinda important, since it reigns supreme and everything. The stiffs.com Fame Committee is a hand-selected group of approximately 50 people, representing a broad cross-section of American society. Yes, that means that our Dead Pool discriminates against people who don’t live in the U.S. Deal with it. The members of the FC are equally divided by sex (roughly), and are intentionally diverse in age, geographic location and cultural background. Also, none of them participate in any of our games.

Write-in candidates are submitted to The Fame Committee in name only, without description, and members are asked if they know who each candidate is. In instances where a candidate’s name is identical (or nearly so) to another potentially famous person, it is the player’s responsibility to clearly specify which person is intended (see The Robert Young Edict). If a candidate is positively identified by 15% of The stiffs.com Fame Committee members, he or she will be deemed Famous, and will be included in the contest. “Positively identified” means that a Committee member has shown that he or she knows specifically who a candidate is. [Examples: If Bill Clinton is identified as “a politician,” or Mike Tyson as “an athlete,” that’s not positive enough. “U.S. President” and “boxer” are what we’re looking for.] If a write-in candidate is identified by four or fewer Committee members, that candidate will be deemed Not Famous, and will be disqualified from the Dead Pool. Now for the bad news.

Write-in candidates who have been ruled Not Famous will not be replaced. No alternate. No do-overs. Just a blank spot. This means you better be pretty sure that the average person would know who you’re talking about. Do not assume that names eligible in prior stiffs.com contests will be approved. The Fame Committee rulings are completely independent of any of the material found on this website. Neither The Select-O-Matic, The SickTicker nor any other part of this site are meant to suggest how The Fame Committee might rule on a given candidate. All judgments are final, and no rulings will be made in advance. Don’t bother asking us what we think, ’cause we won’t tell you; don’t bother pleading your case, ’cause it won’t matter. The time has come to grow up, Poolsters, and leave the childish ways of yesterday behind you. The future is now … or pretty soon, anyway.

—

Now I am off to write up my cover letter for the Fame Committee. Will someone read it over for me before I submit it? It’s really important to me that it reads as polished.

Posted in Conspiracy Theories, Jesting, Infinitely | Leave a Comment »

“We can try anything once!”

July 12, 2012

I saw the Czech film Daisies, decried by the then-Communist government as “depicting the wanton,” at BAM this week, and found its total wackiness (no better word for it) kind of enthralling. Here’s a little bit from an essay on the Criterion Collection’s website (they released a box set entitled “Pearls of the Czech New Wave”):

On the surface, Daisies’ assemblage of outlandish scenarios enacted by two ferociously antiestablishment figures would seem to mark it as simple anarchic slapstick, like a New Wave Marx Brothers comedy. But Chytilová has called her film “a philosophical documentary in the form of a farce.” The Maries are not merely railing against a society that views them as little more than objects (in the opening scene, Marie II calls herself a panna, which translates as both “doll” and “virgin” in Czech, and the girls play with, and at one point remove, their limbs as though they were the plastic appendages of mannequins); they are also existentially angry. Early on, they decide the world is meaningless, “spoiled,” which they use as justification to spoil themselves. By refusing to cultivate a psychological connection between audience and character, and by confounding any sense of narrative momentum, Chytilová and her screenwriting partner Ester Krumbachová create protagonists who seem to have no future or past. Blank slates, they have been interpreted over the years variously as embodiments of healthy rebellion and the banality of evil. Either way, they are good representations of Chytilová’s belief that “people are primitives and aesthetes at the same time.”

And here, even more exciting, is a copy of the Daises paper dolls I got at BAM!

There are some excellent clothing moments in the movie. Their bikinis are super rad.

Posted in Fashion Blogging for Toddlers, Image Craving, Jesting, Infinitely, Things I Love That I Go to Inappropriate Lengths to Track Down | Leave a Comment »

Opening “Poem”

July 12, 2012

Here’s the opening poem to Soula Coaster: The Diary of Me (apologies that I have been incorrectly referring to the title as the STORY of me. I am so ashamed.)

Look behind myself as I reflect on all the memories

Good times they come and go

Lost everything from friends to family

If I could turn back the hands

There would be some things I’d change about me

I know my past is not what my future holds

Where I come from who could

believe all the pain and misery

Look in my eyes and you will see…

The diary of me

Rewind my life, just go back and correct all the wrong

And ask God to direct my path so then I could make it home

Years ago a child was born and raised without a man

My mom was scorned but still reached out her hand

Just open the book, turn the pages of my life

and you will read

A true story about one man’s journey…

The diary of me

I mean… just… just wow, Kells. I really for once in my life have been struck dumb. I believe I just WILL turn the pages of your life. I really can’t wait until you deal with that whole urinating on a preteen thing. That’s what I’m assuming you’re referring to when you say there would be some things you’d change, correct?

Posted in It Could Be Worse..., Jesting, Infinitely, Things I Love That I Go to Inappropriate Lengths to Track Down | Leave a Comment »

Guide to Being Fashionably Late

July 11, 2012

In a small break from Yayoiyama!: All Polka Dots All The Time!, we here at ID present you with a necessary tutorial, put together with the help of our friend Dumbo Domestic (no, she’s not an elephant):

The Guide to Being Fashionably Late

Here in New York City, one often hears people talk about being “fashionably late.” But how late, exactly, is fashionably late, and how late is just plain rude? Below is a rough guide, by events, of how long past the stroke of whatever you can show up:

Weddings: Usually wedding ceremonies have a cocktail hour or something of the like beforehand. Consult the invitation. If no cocktail hour is listed, then aim for 10 minutes late max, otherwise you have to endure the supreme awkwardness of trying to reach your seat by walking stealthily behind the flower girl.

Engagement parties: 15-20 minutes

Dinner parties –– at a home: 15 minutes

Dinners –– at a restaurant: 15 minutes

Cocktail party –– where you are one of more than 15 guests: 45 minutes

Cocktail party –– where are you are one of fewer than 15 guests: 30 minutes

Doctor’s appointment: 5 minutes

Funeral: These rarely start on time, but in the name of propriety, my guess would be 20 minutes.

Block parties: 1 hour

Outdoor movie screenings: 20 minutes

Indoor movie screenings –– if you like previews: 5 minutes

Indoor movie screenings –– if you don’t give a shit about previews: 15 minutes

Seances: 10 minutes

Interventions: 10 minutes, unless Jeff VanVonderen is running it, in which case FIVE MINUTES EARLY

Diner en Blanc: 25 minutes

PS 1 Pop Rallies: 30 minutes

Ballet, symphony, or theatrical productions: 5 minutes tops, otherwise you have to watch on that dopey little TV screen

Dance class: 5 minutes, otherwise the teacher embarrasses you in front of your peers

Jury duty: 10 minutes, because they really don’t start exactly on time even when they say they do

A business meeting: 5 minutes

A book launch party: 30 minutes

Comedy Show: 10 minutes, lest you get heckled

Your bail hearing: 0 minutes

Will certainly add to this as time goes on. Open to suggestions, as well.

Posted in Lists | Leave a Comment »

Yayoi!

July 10, 2012

I have affection for almost all voluntary mental patients, so Yayoi Kusama, the Japanese artist who has lived in a psychiatric institution for over forty years now, has a special place in my heart. The show that was recently at the Tate and threatens to burst into New York shortly I saw, in fact, at the Pompidou back in November. The art was interesting, of course –– all dots and phalluses –– but the best part were the cautionary signs translated (poorly) from French that read, “Warning: some work in this show may hurt the public’s feelings.”

Yayoi has now come back as a sort of belated art-world darling, even –– and this is almost too good to be true –– collaborating with Marc Jacobs on a line for Louis Vuitton. My two top Yayoi-related wishes are to own the below or a copy of one of her “strange cathartic novels” such as The Hustlers Grotto of Christopher Street.

I bet it costs about $1 million.

Posted in Buy Me This!, Fashion Blogging for Toddlers, Image Craving | Leave a Comment »

Nemesis

July 10, 2012

I saw that this girl I hate (but secretly want to be, even though I know next to nothing about her) had a byline in the Times and it reopened the wound I incurred when she failed to respond to me re: a writing project some months ago. Guess I shouldn’t have made a cum joke in my introduction email to The Paris Review?

In other news, I have somehow ended up with two copies of R. Kelly’s autobiography entitled Soula Coaster: The Story of Me.

Posted in Conspiracy Theories, I Hate Writing, Things I Love That I Go to Inappropriate Lengths to Track Down | Leave a Comment »

Me, Wishing I Were Nora Ephron

July 6, 2012

Articles Written Every Five Years With Different Titles But the Same Conclusions:

“Can Women Have It All?”
“Racism Still Exists in America!”

“Is This The Secret to Happiness?”
“Orthodox Jews Must Get Really Hot in All That Clothing”
“The Marriage Seemed Perfect, But It Was All a Lie”

Posted in I Hate Writing, Lists | Leave a Comment »

Happy 4th!

July 4, 2012

The sentiments/words of wisdom expressed in the below pieces feel very American to me (as in, written by Americans, for Americans).

Taken at the Armory Show. That’s all the credit I can give.

What did you do on your 4th? I went to the beach –– where I re-read all of Night and surreptitiously cried while tow-headed children shrieked at the tide coming in. Oh yes, I am very dark.

Posted in Conspiracy Theories, Image Craving | Leave a Comment »