Archive for the ‘Lists’ Category

One Track Mind

October 1, 2012

Not to be totally one-track minded about my imminent departure from modern society, but here is a list that my bro and I composed of reasons to hightail it to that little island where that tiny naked Japanese guy lives eating coconuts and smoking cigarettes all day.  I enjoy this.  You don’t have to.  I don’t care.

Reasons to Drop Out of Society –– in Some Particular Order

Me: Media Bistro classes on “Social Media”

IS: Fran Drescher’s fan base

Me: The fact that I got 7 out of 8 correct on the “Olsen Trio” quiz on People.com today.

Me: The fact that people actually get smug when they figure out an answer to a question by Googling it, as if they really have the knowledge.

IS: [included in earlier post] Pet Reiki

Me: Alice Dellal is the new face of Chanel

 

I ain’t asking her shit.

IS: That people are suspicious of you of you aren’t on Facebook

Me: That there is an app you can download with which you can play a virtual game of A&E’s Storage Wars.

IS: The meme “there’s an app for that”

Me: Those commercials for smart phones in which the owners of said phones are bragging about how something is “so five seconds ago” –– obviously the thrust being they know about everything before it happens

IS: As a general theme to that: our culture’s general attitude towards all things NEW: Mesmer

Me: Siri

IS: “Crossover artists”

Me: The fact that Gmail has “personalized advertisements,” and because of our conversation here about the horrors of our society, Gmail thought fit to today post this for me:

搬新家需要转电话号码吗? – http://www.iTalkBB.com – iTalkBB新家庭电话号码随身带,搬家也 不用担心要换电话号码,省钱超过70%

IS: This article.

Me: The fact that episodes of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills aired feature a living, breathing Russell Armstrong after he committed suicide.

IS: The likely probability that the episodes of RHWofBH featuring the since-deceased husband garner the highest viewer rating.

Me: The term “tanorexia”

IS: Dick Clark appearing on the annual “Rockin’ New Year’s Eve” post-stroke, slurring his words, and with a bad spray tan.

Me: The movement to add “Passive Aggressive Personality Disorder” to the DSM-V

IS: This.

Me: The fact that Zooey Deschanel’s blog is called Hello Giggles.

Zooey Deschanel.

IS: That President Obama sent a letter to Zooey Deschanel on her birthday.

Me: The fact that there is an outbreak of “mass hysteria” in upstate New York, aka Salem Witch Trials Part Deux: Beelzebub Comes to Ithaca.

Me: The fact that according to Harper’s index, 92% of Americans two years of age and younger have an “online presence.”  The fact that money was spent gathering that statistic.

IS: People who, in a professional context, do not respond to your inquiries for a week, then e-mail you asking if you can show up somewhere within two hours time to do work that THEY want.

Me: The growth of the “adult fantasy” genre of entertainment.

IS: The meme “Shit ______ say”

Me: The meme “Fuck Yeah ______”

IS: the recent New York Times article titled “Young, In Love, and Sharing Everything, Including a Password”

Sorry it’s Monday, and you’re here.

 

Harper’s Index!

August 22, 2012

 

Oh, Harper’s Index!  Why do you confuse me so?  After being bombarded with your many statistics, I somehow never know what to do –– should I be depressed, or angry, or submissive, or amused?  Are you trying to compel me to action in some way, and if so, what sort of action shall I take?  What kind of conspiracies are you alluding to when you parallel a statistic about the estimated portion of Colombian cocaine revenue that is laundered through banks in First World countries (9/10) and one about the ratio of the number of genes in microorganisms inhabiting the human nostril to the number in the human genome (168:1)?  Are you trying to tell me to do cocaine, or to feel bad about being white and a helpless bourgeoisie, or to use a neti-pot?  Is it wrong to want to respond to each of these statistics, which in the end sound hollow and pointless, by retorting, “Yeah, well, 86.4% of statistics are made up”?  HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL, HARPER’S?

Some examples of frustration this week:

1. [Amount] at which the average college-educated woman’s [salary maxes out] at age thirty-nine: $60,000

Damages awarded in June to an Oregon woman who contracted herpes from a man she met through online dating: $900,000

This seems to be telling me that it would be more lucrative for me, as a lady, to get an STD from a stranger than to just, like, work and be normal.

2. Average number of eggs a bedbug will lay after feeding on “clean” human blood: 44

After feeding on blood with an alcohol content of 0.10: 12

I think you’re telling me… to be drunk, always, lest I risk the wrath of the dread bed bug.

3. Percentage of US households that are headed by millionaires: 4.3

Of Swiss households: 17.1

Duh.  Moving on…

4. Chances a Republican believes today that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction at the time of the 2003 invasion: 2 in 3

Amount paid at auction in June for one of Annie Oakley’s guns: $143,400

We care too much about guns?

5. Number of plastic spoons Northern Ireland stockpiled as part of a recently declassified plan to prepare for nuclear war: 58,292

I… really have no idea what to do with this information.  Maybe… nothing?

6. Minimum gigabyes of data stored in a typical gram of human feces: 10,000,000

And we’re done here.

 

Me, Wishing I Were Eddie Pepitone

July 24, 2012

1. Launch Kickstarter fund to help me raise money buy frum clothing so I can blend in in Borough Park

2. Write essay on origins of pedophilia using Lolita and Soula Coaster: The Diary of Me by R. Kelly as example texts

3. Get friend to explain to me why the charity event for the National Eating Disorders Association is a walk-a-thon rather than a conserve-energy-and-eat-a-sensible-snack-a-thon

PISSED, Part II

July 16, 2012

You know when you get really annoyed by certain things that you KNOW shouldn’t annoy you, but you can’t shake the feeling that you want to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT?  Here are my two gripes for the day:

1. So sometimes I look on Craigslist for jobs, and I’ll usually look under “writing jobs” and “writing gigs.”  Very frequently people post unpaid internships under the JOBS section, even though it just seems logical that something that is unpaid cannot, by virtue of it being not compensated, be a job.

2. Perez Hilton.  I know, I know: what in the name of Michael K. would be the point of getting pissed at Perez?  I have decided that as he has lost weight, he’s become a more superficial and less interesting blogger/person, probably.  I dislike intensely his lack of knowledge of basic psychology and his picking favorites among the Hollywood community and planting kissy emoticons on their pictures every time he posts about them.  (Interestingly enough, his favorites are my least favorites, including most notably Katy Perry.)

Re: the psychology issue, see the below post on Demi Moore:

Holy shiz!

We knew Demi Moore’s relationship with her three daughters was strained, but we didn’t know it was THIS bad!

As we previously reported, Demi’s daughters Rumer, Scout and Tallulah have pretty much cut off all contact with their mother after a series of fights.

Now, it sounds like the girls are thinking about cutting off their own mother even more — by getting a RESTRAINING order against her!

A source spilled:

“Demi has been calling them incessantly and emailing them, leaving them tearful messages and begging them to call her and the girls are sick of it. It is a really drastic measure and not something they are considering lightly but they just feel like they want some peace and quiet.”

Wow! Life is WAY too short for something so drastic, girls…!

However, it sounds like it’ll take a whole lot more than phone calls to slap their mom with a restraining order!

A legal expert stated:

“You can’t get a restraining order against your mom when she’s trying to call you. If that were the case, many, many more people would all be in court!”

As for Demi, it sounds like she isn’t taking the separation from her kids too well. Moore is said to be “absolutely devastated” and distraught over the whole situation.

We don’t blame her! We would be, too.

This is such an unfortunate circumstance all around.

While the legal expert has a good point, the fact remains that Perez is poo-pooing the girls’ attempts to distance themselves from their mom when it’s obvious as a can of whipped cream to the head that she’s all kinds of fucked up, and watching ONE episode of Intervention with Jeff VanVonderen would teach a person that sometimes the best thing you can do is cut off your addicted loved one.  Sheesh.

If I could, I would abandon (see the connection?) my job, sell my possessions, and travel the world spreading the JVV gospel, all the while wearing a t-shirt with this graphic on it.

PISSED

July 16, 2012

I feel shitty, but I think I have only myself to blame –– I compiled a list of quotes from the Haredi anti-Internet asifa pamphlet that were actually pretty legit, and my friend told me to submit it to Harper’s (after McSweeney’s rejected me –– again!) and I dragged my feet a little out of nervousness, and lo and behold!  They did it on their own.  But I think theirs was a straight quote, whereas mine are carefully selected, and will be the basis of an essay/maybe thesis?/maybe book: Useful Lessons to Be Learned From Religious Fanatics.

25 Quotes from the Asifa Pamphlet “Challenge of Our Times” That Make Semi-Legit Points

“Many people convince themselves that they need Internet access, but if they would honestly assess the reasons that they are connected to the internet, they would realize that they could get by without it.”

“But today, even the most innocent looking children, from the best families, may have access to the worst images imaginable.”

“In addition, a determined child (or adult) can figure out a way to work around a filter so that he (or she) can get to the inappropriate material, or he can stumble on the password for the filter and disable it.”

“Make no mistake about it: today’s challenge in many ways is the most difficult in history.  Certainly, if we don’t recognize the challenge for what it is and do something about it, it threatens to sweep us away like a tsunami.  Yes, that challenge is the Internet –– the easy connectivity we have to the world, including its worst influences.”

“The Internet has already wended its way into our daily lives, into our conscience, and it is no longer possible simply uproot it from our midst.”

“The Internet not only exposes things going on around the world, but also creates virtual realities that do not exist anywhere else.”

“When a parent sits down to supper with one hand holding the fork and the other his smartphone, from which he cannot unglue his eyes, that parent may be sitting with the family in a technical sense, but the children realize they are technology orphans.”

“The [Internet] encourages some to display their knowledge, others their sense of humor, and yet others their ability to mock authority.  The irreverent attitude is all-pervasive.  And since no one knows who you are, there is nothing to worry about, no one to be embarrassed of.”

“In a very literal sense, all of the vices humans have uncovered over the millennia are now attacking internet users daily, jumping out at them from the screen and in many cases going on to determine their personal lives.”

“The Internet nurtures irreverence.”

“The Internet gives every individual his or her say, and that is both its strength and its weakness.”

“On the Internet an accomplished scholar with years of experience can post an authoritative exposé on his area of expertise, only to have someone with not the slightest background in that subject reject the entire edifice with a single derisive comment.”

“The constantly changing text, the stream of images that flit by, the ever-present additional links beckoning to explore new horizons, and the constant stream of information floods the mind.”

“Although the Internet provides its users with a feeling of freedom, a sense of euphoria at having the world at his fingertips, it is no more than an illusion.”

“The rise of social networking, blogs, chat groups and even texting all threaten to destroy the traditional relationships that are still so vital to our societal wellbeing.  Family and friends are forgotten as people come to rely more and more on the companionship and approval of their virtual counterparts.”

“Bloggers develop split personalities, drifting through life like robots while their true emotions are bound to the ethereal friendships they have developed for their digitalized companions.  By filling our emotional ‘stomachs’ with the ‘junk food’ of Internet society, we are stunting our appetite for the healthy relationships our psyche truly crave.”

“The element of anonymity that the Internet allows people to bypass the natural, inborn shame they would normally feel when involved in inappropriate behavior.”

“The ‘instant’ mentality where everything has to be accomplished with dizzying speed can permeate our actions in multiple areas.  We lose our patience; our tempers get shorter.”

“Additionally, the medium of e-mail leaves the intended tone of the writer to the reader’s imagination.”

“One of the ubiquitous themes of the Internet is: You.”

“This means that instead of carrying out whatever task he is supposed to be doing, a typical worker will instead check his e-mail, send text messages, receive cell phone calls, send instant messages, check blogs, and ‘Google’ things.”

“Information shared on ‘social networks’ can be mistakenly viewed as private (‘only my Friends can see it’) or semi-private, but in reality just by being a part of these communities, we sacrifice a certain level of privacy.”

“Forgetting can be helpful: it helps us forgive people, it helps us deal with emotional pain and trauma, and it de-clutters our mind from useless details.  But the Internet has the potential to interfere with that process, bringing up old memories and not letting us move on from the past.”

“On the Internet, you are lulled into a sense of security by the illusion that no one can know who you are.  The truth is, your computer’s unique IP address is easily tracked by almost any website and anyone who knows a thing or two about computers.”

“The Internet may greatly facilitate real learning and research, but it doesn’t provide a short-cut to substitute for the process of learning in-depth.”

—-

Eat your heart out, Lewis Lapham.

Guide to Being Fashionably Late

July 11, 2012

In a small break from Yayoiyama!: All Polka Dots All The Time!, we here at ID present you with a necessary tutorial, put together with the help of our friend Dumbo Domestic (no, she’s not an elephant):

The Guide to Being Fashionably Late

Here in New York City, one often hears people talk about being “fashionably late.”  But how late, exactly, is fashionably late, and how late is just plain rude?  Below is a rough guide, by events, of how long past the stroke of whatever you can show up:

Weddings: Usually wedding ceremonies have a cocktail hour or something of the like beforehand.  Consult the invitation.  If no cocktail hour is listed, then aim for 10 minutes late max, otherwise you have to endure the supreme awkwardness of trying to reach your seat by walking stealthily behind the flower girl.

Engagement parties: 15-20 minutes

Dinner parties –– at a home: 15 minutes

Dinners –– at a restaurant: 15 minutes

Cocktail party –– where you are one of more than 15 guests: 45 minutes

Cocktail party –– where are you are one of fewer than 15 guests: 30 minutes

Doctor’s appointment: 5 minutes

Funeral: These rarely start on time, but in the name of propriety, my guess would be 20 minutes.

Block parties: 1 hour

Outdoor movie screenings: 20 minutes

Indoor movie screenings –– if you like previews: 5 minutes

Indoor movie screenings –– if you don’t give a shit about previews: 15 minutes

Seances: 10 minutes

Interventions: 10 minutes, unless Jeff VanVonderen is running it, in which case FIVE MINUTES EARLY

Diner en Blanc: 25 minutes

PS 1 Pop Rallies: 30 minutes

Ballet, symphony, or theatrical productions: 5 minutes tops, otherwise you have to watch on that dopey little TV screen

Dance class: 5 minutes, otherwise the teacher embarrasses you in front of your peers

Jury duty: 10 minutes, because they really don’t start exactly on time even when they say they do

A business meeting: 5 minutes

A book launch party: 30 minutes

Comedy Show: 10 minutes, lest you get heckled

Your bail hearing: 0 minutes

Will certainly add to this as time goes on.  Open to suggestions, as well.

 

Me, Wishing I Were Nora Ephron

July 6, 2012

Articles Written Every Five Years With Different Titles But the Same Conclusions:

“Can Women Have It All?”
“Racism Still Exists in America!”

“Is This The Secret to Happiness?”
“Orthodox Jews Must Get Really Hot in All That Clothing”
“The  Marriage Seemed Perfect, But It Was All a Lie”

Things You Can Do At Open Mike

July 2, 2012

At the Chulent gathering in Brooklyn, which is a party for religious folks “off the derech,” as they say, everyone is given time to, according to their email, do any of the following:

” … rant, compliment, soothe, explain, sing, read a poem, read a product label, remain silent – in protest or otherwise, be silly, be serious, tell a joke, perform a magic trick, sermonize, scream at Isaac, address your congressman, address your peers, address your letters, ask a question, ask an answer, play an instrument, show your art, impersonate someone infamous, do bird calls, catcalls, phony phone calls, show the correct way to eat a chicken wing, tell us how you would solve the problem of poverty, peace on earth, the Jewish question, demonstrate how put your best foot forward etc.”

I don’t know about poverty but I can maybe try to impersonate someone infamous

Three Easily Confused Movies

July 2, 2012

Don’t get caught looking poorly-versed in film!  A guide to your cine-Cowboys.

Urban Cowboy stars John Travolta and features Debra Winger gyrating atop a mechanical bull.

Drugstore Cowboy was directed by Gus Van Sant and stars Matt Dillon as a junkie.

Midnight Cowboy features the fucking goofiest, Jon Voigt, as a cowboy turned prostitute.

RIP Nora

June 27, 2012

A list originally published in The Huffington Post (or, I guess, ON The Huffington Post.)

25 THINGS PEOPLE HAVE A SHOCKING CAPACITY TO BE SURPRISED BY OVER AND OVER AGAIN

1. Journalists sometimes make things up.

2. Journalists sometimes get things wrong.

3. Almost all books that are published as memoirs are initially written as novels, and then the agent/editor says, this might work better as a memoir.

4. Beautiful young women sometimes marry ugly, old rich men.

5. In business, there is no such thing as synergy in the good sense of the term.

6. Freedom of the press belongs to the man who owns one.

7. Nothing written in today’s sports pages makes sense to anyone who didn’t read yesterday’s sports pages.

8. There is no explaining the stock market but people try.

9. The Democrats are deeply disappointing.

10. Movies have no political effect whatsoever.

11. High-protein diets work.

12. A lot of people take the Bible literally.

13. Pornography is the opiate of the masses.

14. You can never know the truth of anyone’s marriage, including your own.

15. People actually sign pre-nuptial agreements.

16. Mary Matalin and James Carville are married.

17. Muslims hate us.

18. Everybody lies.

19. The reason why it’s important for a Democrat to be President is the Supreme Court.

20. Howard Stern is apparently very nice in person.

21. In Manhattan a small one-bedroom apartment that needs work costs $1 million.

22. People look like their dogs.

23. Cary Grant was Jewish.

24. Cary Grant wasn’t Jewish.

25. Larry King has never read a book.